Unsent Letters

i kept thinking i'd hear from you. but now i'm anxious. my stomach is in knots. where are you? i want to know that you're okay, and more than okay. i want to be able to talk to you again, but i don't know if i'll ever get that chance. please just give me some kind of sign that you've heard me.

once upon a time, i had other interests. i used to read a lot. i used to spend time learning new things. but lately, i've been consumed by trying to understand you. instead of reading new things when i have free time, i find myself poring over the old things you've written, trying to discover and decipher every last trace of meaning. i wouldn't be surprised if half the things i inferred from your words were mere confabulations. but i can't really know either way now because we're lightyears away from each other and still travelling so fast away from the place where we collided, propelled by the force of that impact.

please let me know you're okay.

As I sit here, writing this letter in the quiet solitude of my room, my heart aches with a profound sadness that words alone cannot fully convey. There's a hollowness within me, an emptiness that only your presence can fill. I miss you more than words could ever express.

You may not know this, but every day without you feels like an eternity. Each morning, I wake up hoping to hear your laughter, see your bright smile, and share in the joy of your growing years. But instead, I often find myself immersed in the deafening silence of an empty house.

It's been so many long years since the day you came into my life. The day of your birth brought great happiness to me. I was overjoyed when I first saw you and a profound exhilaration came over me and I cried with happiness. I've watched you grow into a remarkable young person. Your curiosity, your kindness, your boundless energy—all of it has been a source of immeasurable pride and joy for me. And as you've grown, so has the love and admiration I hold for you.

Certain external actions, beyond my control, have cast shadows on our relationship. These circumstances have been a heavy burden on my heart, and I wish there was a way to shield you from the harsh realities of the world. Life sometimes takes us on unexpected journeys, and I desperately wish I could have shielded you from this particular one.

But now, circumstances have separated us, and I can't help but feel a deep longing to be with you, to hold you close and let you know just how much you mean to me. Often despite the fact that you are close to me physically, I feel that we have drifted miles apart as a result of these falsehoods. Life has a way of taking us down different paths, and sometimes those paths lead us away from the ones we cherish most.

Please know, my beloved daughter, that my love for you is unwavering and unconditional. No matter where life may lead us, that love remains a constant in my heart. I carry your laughter, your dreams, and your spirit with me every day no matter where our lives take us.

As you continue to grow into the amazing person I know you will become, remember to hold onto the love we share and the memories we've created together. Life may take us down different paths, but the bond between a father and his daughter can endure the greatest challenges.

Love, Your Dad

Dear Veronica (or writers for Veronica),

Please don't compare yourself to a mystical beast. In Eastern culture, beasts like Pixiu, Qilin, Suanxi were named due to their complexity, honor, power and excellence. You in no way match the beauty and divinity of these creatures.

I'm bringing you back to reality and back into Western culture where you belong, with your head out of the clouds. We slay dragons in this culture.

Going forward I now name you "Veronica". Simple like a cartoon character and purely evil and destructive as the character she plays.

Welcome Veronica. Let's all give her a warm welcome.

It was great to see you again. I forgot to thank you. Thank you for bringing these to my little one, just like you used to do in the past. I could never say you were not generous with your love. It's good to see that you are happy, following your dreams and staying healthy. I hope you find what you are looking for. 😘 😘 😘

In a world of digital traces, past love's glow, Still I log in, to a Netflix you bestow. Though our paths diverged, our love stories ended, Through episodes and films, our memories blended.

I ponder if she knows, or if she even cares, While I sneak into her realm, from my solitary lairs. It's not about the movies, or the series we've seen, But the moments we shared, in a digital dream.

So here's to the nights, with popcorn and thrill, To the love that once was, that time cannot kill. Of all things mysterious, one left me beguiled, The hue of her bicycle, wild and reviled.

I’ve seen it in passing, a blur and a gleam, But the shade of its paint remains but a dream. Is it vibrant and fiery, like roses in June? Or gentle and calming, like light of the moon?

So, in playful jest and in digital jesters, I posed her a challenge, among Netflix testers. “Make it a profile, that color so fine, Let the name of that shade in bold letters align.”

For each time I log in, and our choices entwine, I'll glimpse that secret color, and know it's a sign. A nod to our bond, in laughter and profile, The shade of her bicycle, shared for a while.

Dear Liliana,

You were like an angel, gracing my life from the heavens above. A refreshing breath of air, a serendipitous charm, always there at the right moment, especially after the disappointments of another failed marriage. Your presence in my life felt like a touch of good fortune. You became my muse when I desperately sought inspiration.

When I was alone, I was just an ordinary man, but with you by my side, our adventures were thrilling, like those of a CIA agent tracking Chinese spies. Your colorful hair, always a statement of your vibrant personality, turned heads wherever we went, and I swelled with pride to have you, hand in hand, by my side.

Our age difference never mattered to you. You would often declare, "age is just a number," eloquently arguing how trivial such differences were, especially in your homeland. Your perspective was a refreshing antidote to prevailing attitudes, and your words never ceased to captivate me, no matter how often repeated that "American's were so ridiculous for being so concerned with age".

You knew, and you helped me believe, that love transcends numbers, barriers, and judgments. Love was our shared language, and in our hearts, we spoke it fluently, embracing a connection that felt pure and timeless.

Do you recall our enchanting journey to Thailand? The thrill that coursed through our veins as we rode a moped together, recklessly weaving through the city's maze. Our hands intertwined, we strolled through night markets, eyes wide and hearts open as we explored trinkets and treasures. Those intimate dinners by the ocean's edge, the taste of romance flavored with salty sea air, are etched in my memory.

And who could forget the froggy pajamas you lovingly picked out for my little girl? Can you believe the way she cherishes them, still wearing them after all these years? Your bond with her was special, your goodness resonating with her youthful innocence. She remembers you, so vividly, to this day.

I can still see the two of you on my kitchen floor, joyfully pretending to be dogs, lost in a world of play and laughter. It filled me with such pride to know you, to see the love you brought into our lives, a love that transcended the ordinary and made even the simplest moments feel extraordinary.

I fondly remember the joy in your brother's eyes when he discovered you had found me. Your unique ability to appreciate the beauty in both men and women was something special we all recognized, though your father wished for a more conventional path for you. Eager to explore your desires I opted to pass on that when I saw your taste in women. We laughed when I told you that I just realized that you were not going to play the butch in the relationship. 😋

My Indonesian enchantress, with only one name. I'm sure your singular name helped evade capture from the spies of the night although they knocked on the walls and forced us to ingest their hallucinogenic rhetoric. You were the oxygen that necessitated my blood. You were the iron to my blood cell. You were the protein that binds my hemoglobin. Your cunning ingenuity made you a sought after asset that any lab would want to hire as their genius.

I was aware that our time together was limited. The thought that you would eventually return home to Indonesia after school hung over us, yet it never dulled the vibrance of our moments shared. And so, you did go back, leaving me to face the harsh realities and pain of an unrelenting divorce. You returned once more, a brief and shining interlude, only to go back to your homeland again. But in those transient moments, we found something lasting, something that time and distance couldn't erase.

After reaching out to you the other day, I find myself yearning for your friendship here. Your words, once again, were like a life-giving breath that revived my dropping spirit, pulling me from a dark place. At that moment, I felt vulnerable, weighed down by accusations and doubt, led to believe that I had failed in every role, as boyfriend, as husband, as father, as son. But you, without even knowing the full extent of my turmoil, swooped in like a guardian angel, lifting me from the wreckage of despair. Your reassurance of my goodness to you felt like a saving embrace, and for that, I thank you with all my heart. I find myself longing to continue what we once shared, and I earnestly hope you'll accept my invitation to meet again in Asia, so we can pick up where we left off, rediscovering the connection that once brought us so much joy and strength. But I know things are different now and that possibility would be slim if at all existent.

Thank you for the enchanting moments we shared, however brief they were. They've left a mark on my heart, and I find myself hoping that our paths will intertwine once again in the near future, reigniting the connection that once brought us such joy.

-Your old American Loverboy

To everyone I once told that I'd marry again, I must admit that I wasn't truthful. Perhaps it was peer pressure, or the sense of being in a group, but the reality is that I don't foresee myself marrying or having children again. Modern-day relationships seem fraught with pain, and many enter marriage for the wrong reasons, like family pressure or the allure of a big wedding. While it may suit some, it doesn't for many.

What I truly desire is a loving and trusting partner, someone who can be both a friend and a lover. I want someone without preconceived notions about marriage or family, who communicates their needs and is willing to make sacrifices, knowing I'll do the same.

It's vital that I share this perspective at the onset of any future relationship. My apologies.

In stolen moments, my thoughts would drift to you, but lately, those fleeting memories have become a continuous symphony and I find myself in absolute nostalgia of what we once had. You were the radiant soul who unlocked my heart, you helped open my mind and led me to understand a different type of love. After my last misfortune in romance you offered your warmth, guiding me Westward. My delicate half-Asian enchantress, you were a fire that ignited from the depths of Texas, your drawl a siren's song that left me intoxicated.

A pang of jealousy would stir within me at the sight of your grace, the way others were drawn to your sweet and playful charm. My love for you was all-consuming; I cherished everything about you, from your dainty feet to the sensual mole on your lip.

Our meeting was a magical affair, a night by the ocean where you appeared, an ethereal angel amongst mortals. Excitement and hope blossomed within me, a desperate wish that fate would weave our lives together. And it did, for a cosmic coincidence linked our worlds through a friend, a sibling, with common causes linked by a distance of thousands of miles. Shy and constrained, I found solace in your playful openness that enchanting night.

You taught me to embrace life's luxuries, to open my rigid mind and to journey West and discover new realms within myself. I still recall our extravagant escape to New Yawwk (as you would playfully mock me), at that expensive hotel and the beautiful two shirts that you bought me that were the best I've ever had in my life. I want you to know that I would pay 10 times that amount just to relive one of those nights that we shared together. You taught me how to enjoy life , and you were my Westward journey to the love in my heart.

In the quiet chambers of my heart, I often drift back to our enchanting journey to San Francisco. Do you, too, remember the wind's gentle serenade, dancing through the windows of our hotel, caressing the curtains as we lay entwined in dreams? It seemed as if that wind was whispering love songs into our ears, determined to be an everlasting memory, and indeed it has.

Oh, how the romantic sound of the trolley's bell would greet us each morning, a constant melody to our love, whether we wished to hear it or not. And that one night, my love, when our words tangled in a passionate duel, do you remember how the fire in our eyes turned into a storm of kisses and tender embraces? How quickly and passionately we reconciled, turning what could have been a bitter moment into a cherished memory. It seemed as if the argument was but a prelude to a sweeter connection, making the fight an unforeseen blessing, a gateway to a deeper, more profound love.

We were able to accept each other's flaws, but there was one issue that became our breaking point and fueled many of our arguments. This issue was deeply personal to me, something I had grappled with for most of my life, and it created turmoil between us.

Your mother, a truly wonderful person, was someone I turned to for advice on this matter. She was aware of the problem and advised me to do what was best for myself. Perhaps it was her way of showing tough love, recognizing similar issues in her two children and hoping for a change in them.

I now realize it was wrong for me to give you an ultimatum on this subject, and I should have resisted the pressure from family. On the night that became a symbol of our downfall, after a heated argument, I let pride get in the way of supporting you when you were in trouble. That evening's events, on a cruel cold day in March, I left you to fend for yourself, and for that, I never forgave myself.

You sought me out after our argument, only to find yourself in deeper trouble. The guilt of that incident still lingers with me, and it's a lesson I sadly failed to learn from, as I later allowed something similar to happen to a friend in need, more than a decade later during the month of March.

Oh, the sting of memories from the breakup with the one I loved the most continues to torment me. There's one memory in particular that I wish I could erase: my birthday, when you spotted us together in the restaurant where you were dining alone, no doubt recalling the times we used to spend there. The restaurant we so often frequented together is now gone, and we had already parted ways by then, but the painful memory and guilt of that day will haunt me forever.

How could I have been so thoughtless as to bring another woman to a place where we once shared such cherished memories? You showed incredible strength, sitting there and finishing your meal as if nothing had happened. My heart ached to run to you, to profess my love and beg your forgiveness, but I was weak, and I knew it wouldn't have been right.

I should have kept that place sacred for us. I should have been there to help you overcome your problem. I should have ignored the trivial opinions of others. The weight of those "should haves" bears heavily on my conscience, and I am filled with regret.

And so, our paths have diverged, leaving me to reflect on what feels like a quindecennial waste of time. Your social media page, unchanged for 15 years, remains as a haunting tribute to you. It details your engagement to a musician shortly after our breakup, and then, silence. No updates about a joyous marriage or the birth of children; it stands as a testament to your existence and then a sudden halt.

I often hope that this absence is a sign of your contentment, that you've been too busy with family and a fulfilling life to update the page. But a lingering fear gnaws at me, the fear that something terrible may have happened to you. The thought of hearing about any misfortune fills me with dread, and it would break my heart to learn of such news.

I genuinely wish that you have experienced the best that life has to offer, and I thank you for the precious time we shared. You are truly unforgettable, a woman without a single ill intention, who simply yearned for love. You are the last of the best that I have shared memories with.

I thank you and hold onto the hope that our paths may one day cross again. Please know that the memories we created together will always remain with me, a bittersweet reminder of what once was.

With love, Your East-Coaster

To all the people I know that have lost respect of themselves and others:

It's funny how I'm criticized for being angry and nasty by folks on reddit. Do you see where the comments are coming from? They are coming from criminals and a criminal that hired them. The criminal that hired them has no regard for safety of children. She says let's take a chance and throw fate up to the wind in order to destroy this person, because of what he is and what he does or my perception of what he's done to me. It's does not matter that I am the trigger for what he does. As long as I can destroy him, my life will be complete.

You treat each other like shit, and sometimes you treat your own family like garbage. You take better care of your dogs. Then you insult and and degrade with your passive aggressive attitude. You wield manipulation as thought it was a dagger. There is no mankind or civility or humanity in you vocabulary. There is no honor or loyalty. It's just you and your selfish behaviours. My anger is directed at your lack of civility towards your family, your neighbor, your lover. It disgusts me and makes me want to hide from the stench.

The final time our paths crossed, it was a summer night, and a damp mist hung in the air, causing the ground to be wet and slippery. As I stood in front of my apartment, I nearly slipped headfirst on the stairs, my heart weighed down by the pain of what had transpired. I had fled from our meeting place, unable to endure the emotions any longer. I couldn't fathom why you were there that night, torn between feelings for two individuals.

Despite the hardships we faced, I learned of his passing and want to express my condolences. I know he left behind three children, and I hope they find strength during this difficult time. As for our past, I remember the feelings of guilt and resentment that once consumed us. However, I eventually found it in my heart to forgive both of you and hold you in high regard.

During our divorce and custody battle, my ex-wife resorted to questionable tactics, including calling your restaurant to gather information about me. I was touched to hear that you and J stood firmly against providing any harmful details, offering only the best things to say about me. Your support meant the world to me, and I am still grateful for your actions to this day. It was a testament to your integrity and loyalty, and I couldn't have been prouder of both of you. Thank you for being there for me in those challenging times.

My first ex-wife, you were truly remarkable with your photographic memory and ability to excel in every subject with just a single hour of study. Your culinary skills were unmatched, and you always prepared my favorite dishes with love. Despite your brilliance, you asked for very little and never made any demands.

Your dedication to helping children with learning disabilities was truly honorable, and your intelligence played a crucial role in helping me pass the toughest test I had ever faced. Your compassion and empathy were unmatched, and I haven't encountered anyone quite like you in decades.

While I wish I could have done better to prevent our relationship from ending, I will always cherish the wonderful memories you gave me during our 12 years together. Thank you for being a significant part of my life and for the love and joy you brought into it.

Gene,

It's been ages since we've seen each other. I do hope you get this. Do you still work for that tiny little law firm in LA? I hope you're doing well.

I'm sending this to you because I may have seen you on the road a couple of days ago. Well actually, it was at a rest stop really early in the morning and you were with a couple of men. I was a bit concerned about what you were up to there so late. Me and my hubby were trying to get some sandwiches but everything was closed. You looked a little wired and you were chain smoking, if you know what I mean. I didn't want to disturb what was going on there. What was going on there?

Are you still in the business of hunting people having sex in cars? I remember you and I used to go from one car to another to see if there was anything strange going on. We'd take our high beams and just blow the hell out of their faces. It was pretty crazy but we were young back then. You've gotten big and you're still smoking I see. Well, the best of luck to you and tell J I said hello. Let's do lunch the three of us.

Abigail