Autism Adults

I remember that something my mom was talking about hurt my feelings, and made me angry, but this time I said something. I love her, I rely on her, there is a lot I can't do with out her but there is a lot of stress right now and I am not handling it well. I remember her putting on her shoes and driving away, thinking I was going to be homeless.

I called the suicide hotline but got disconnected, I don't know if it was my phone or theirs, I screamed and cried, I must have been hitting myself, I know there was a lot of fear, and self hate, I kept saying I don't know, I think they took me to the hospital in the police car, I know the room I was in was too quiet, they told me I called 911, I just wanted to be gone.

There was a lot I was told and I don't remember.

There was a question I came across a few days ago. It was something like "How does it feel to wear the mask?"

I tend to write when I get overstimulated to help myself get some of it out before I find my quiet place and try to regroup. If I am having trouble putting whole thoughts together it comes out as bad poetry.

I figured what good is bad poetry with out an audience so I give you...bad poem:

Beyond insignificant
Somehow in the way
They see me, why, when I am this small
To not fit, slipping through the crack
The words don't work they don't understand
What's the point, they will never know
They don't see Me, how could they
They'll never know

Hello, how are, is what they see
Stop, get away, I can't, RUN
Yes, sure, happy to
If only I didn't have to wake up
Any time, love you too
Help me, HELP ME, HELP ME!

My costume is too big
This mask is too tight
I am burning up
I feel like a failure for hiding again
It makes me angry, scared, tried, no exhausted, sad, and useless.