this post was submitted on 04 Nov 2023
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As an alcoholic, you cannot help someone who doesn't want help. It's a disease that grabs ahold of your mind and tells you to do things you actively don't want to do. It's hard to explain how you can just NOT want to be drunk today but then do it anyways. How you can know you're hurting the people around you and still do it anyways. Both of my parents were violent alcoholics, but as I've grown and dealt with the issues of addiction myself, I've learned to have empathy for them.
Whatever you do, don't marry this person unless you're 100% sure you can deal with this disease. It may get better but it will definitely get worse for a time. There is no "former alcoholic". There are only alcoholics who choose not to take the first drink.
I hate to say something so harsh but it's the truth. I'm glad my girlfriend has endured me but I'm trying. There was a time I was downing 2 pints of bacardi gold every day, waking up and filling my coffee cup with it and drinking all day, sometimes passing out, waking up and drinking some more. I've cut back but I made.the decision myself. My girlfriend definitely pushed me in that direction and I'm not trying to take credit away from her trying, but everyday I make that decision myself.
You can push your fiance, but they have to make that decision. Everyday.
I know, we're both predisposed to alcoholism, we've both had family die to it. I've struggled with it a little bit myself in my younger years. I know that if she chooses alcohol over us then there's nothing I can do about it. And honestly it's right at that point now. I love her and I always want to be there for her, but if she pushes me away I...I mean I know I deserve better and I know I can't live like that but I'm just going to do my damndest for as long as I can. She'd do the same for me.
My wife and I have known each other for almost 10 years now, since our first date in our early 20s. We've only been married for 4, and we have a kid.
She is also an alcoholic, but luckily for me she turned it all around. The previous commenter is on point with everything they're saying. You can't help her until she fully internalizes that she needs help.
I think the turning point was when I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I had to go through all of the stages of grief before I accepted the possibility of our relationship ending if she didn't take steps to address her problems with alcohol. Then I realized that by trying to "be there" for her I was instead creating an environment where she didn't need to change. So the most supportive thing at that point that I could do was to be firm and tell her that her last chance was up. I made it clear to her that I still loved her, but that I could not continue with the relationship as it was. And I told her that I'd be there if she wanted to come back after she took steps towards recovery.
I got lucky, but you need to be prepared for this relationship to end in order to save it. At some point forgiving her becomes almost selfish. I didn't want to loose the good things I had with my girlfriend which made me tolerate her spiral downward. Once she realized she didn't have that anymore, she made a change. Yours might not. And you have to accept that. You can't fix someone who's not ready to fix themselves.
I wish you all the best. I hope you take care of yourself.
I would like to second this experience with my own. My now husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 2. I wanted to marry earlier but he was not ready until I got my act together because unfortunately, I am the one with a drinking problem.
We went through the cycle that OP and others mentioned of daily drinking, promising I would stop, then somehow getting sucked back into any excuse to drink again the next day or a few days later. Always drinking to the point where I was putting others in danger or acting incredibly selfishly. Luckily I was/am not the type to act violently or manipulate others, even when blackout drunk, but my behavior was inexcusable regardless. This went on for about ~4 years in my case. Sometimes better for a period but falling back into the pattern again and again even when I was devoted to trying my hardest.
What turned it around for me was the same as the above comment. My boyfriend of 8 years, who had always been my best friend and closest ally, said he couldn't do it anymore. If I couldn't find it in myself to change for him, us, or myself, he wasn't going to stay and keep getting hurt.
He cried when we talked and said that when I would stay out late or threaten to leave when I was drunk, the fear was overwhelming. He'd envision each time that this was it. This is the time I've gotten into an accident and was dead on the side or the road, or was kidnapped and assaulted by someone at a bar, if not killed by them. That pain was so real for him and was tearing him apart almost every day for years.
We both have pretty severe anxiety and on top of my family history of alcoholism, that anxiety was one of the reasons I had such a hard time breaking free of the cycle. I went from feeling terrified, overthinking everything, and depressed when sober to feeling nothing or just feeling angry instead of being overwhelmed, when drinking.
When he put his foot down and said he was done and explained to me how incredibly tired he was from being scared and hurt almost every day, that's when I really started trying.
I made mistakes along the way. Would slip up and drink too much probably once every couple months but I didn't ever make it back to my lowest point and never stayed out all night again leaving him home alone to convince himself I had died.
We got married 2 years later. I haven't been able to fully stop drinking but if I do end up drinking too much on accident, I resolve once again to take a break for at least a month to reset myself. Truthfully, each reset is in the hopes I can fully quit for good but I have other issues I need resolved before I will have that willpower.
I recently stated taking an anti-anxiety medication and it has helped tremendously but until I get the courage to seek professional help for some other things, I know each time I drink is a risk. I've been doing good though I think. We've been doing great. Since finding the resolve to do better, for us, it has been the best 4 years of my life and of our relationship.
I can't say putting your foot down is the best thing for your S/O but I do know it's the best thing for you, OP. From there she'll have a decision to make but be ready to leave if you must. If you stay and your S/O does try, know they will fail again but keep an eye out. If they're really trying and you see that change happening, you may get lucky and eventually, things will get good and then great. But keep your guard up, your foot down, and don't take more abuse than you can handle while they're recovering.
Stay strong no matter what you choose here and please take care of yourself above all else. ๐
Feel free to DM me if you want talk or have questions. This is my second comment since getting on Lemmy so don't be alarmed at the lack of profile history. I feel very anxious about commenting so I usually don't. But if my shitty experience can help someone, that is important to me and I feel a duty to share.