The Onion

Patients Must Disprove Facebook Mom Groups Before Receiving Care

OTTAWA - After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government's allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying that his 2025 election campaign slogan will be "I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave."

“I realize that my popularity has been declining in the polls recently,” explained the prime minister, wearing a hat depicting Peterson’s crying face and the words “Bye, Bitch,” on it, “but I think we can all appreciate that it was my government and my policies that triggered Jordan enough that he had to run away to a country that is kinder to suspected Russian assets.”

Sagittarius
(November 22 to December 21):

You’re going out in that? No, you look great. Very bold.

(Wilmington, Delaware) - After a hard two weeks of soul-searching, American Healthcare Executives say they have learned from recent events, and they’re ready to make changes.

“This is horrible,” said one executive who asked not to be named. “Not only was a man killed in the streets - a father - but the reaction of many people was excitement and jokes about his death.” This sounds a common sentiment among healthcare executives in American following the recent shooting: they are ready to make a change.

“We are already rolling out new policies, to respond to some of the concerns we are hearing in this national conversation,” wrote another executive in an email who wishes to go unnamed. “We are changing how we look at healthcare, and we are excited to reduce the amount of evil we bring to the world by three… and sometimes up to six percent… in order to no longer be shot in the streets like dogs.”

Policy changes will begin immediately. “In some cases, we used to deny cancer treatment for a mother of six over a certain cost threshold,” said an anonymous claims adjuster. “That has totally ended. In most cases now we will only deny a mother of three, or four if they seem like a pushover, and in most cases even then we will start treatment if they’re persistent, within 3 years.”

“Of course the father is still toast,” she added.

Changes like these are not going over well on Wall Street, where earnings numbers play a large part in the value of health stocks. Numbers were mixed as traders sought to determine how less evil might impact their portfolios.

But some in the industry are concerned what turning over a new leaf could mean in the longer turn. “Mike,” a security consultant who did now want to give his last name, worries if Americans will see through what experts call ‘just enough pandering to not be insulting,’ and the effect it will have on his career. “I just got a $30,000 raise, and a $10,000 bonus. The CEO looked me in the eye and shook my hand, and his wife took all our wives for spa treatments. I’m getting sniper rifle training, we all are.”

“If that fear goes away, what happens to the benefits I receive from other people being denied them? I know I’m not the boss here, but I am important, and I would hope they remember not to treat their security staff like they would a customer.”

Legal Battle Could Set Precedent for Human-AI Relations, Experts Say