The Onion

“Those insurrectionists sicken me and don’t represent my values or the values of dozens of members like me who only joined the Proud Boys because we hate women.”

OUR SELF-DRIVING CARS WILL SAVE COUNTLESS LIVES, BUT THEY WILL KILL SOME OF YOU FIRST

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OLYMPIA, WA—In an effort to bring more awareness to an often overlooked issue, a safety campaign was launched Tuesday to teach new parents that babies can die in just one or two inches of lava. “Take it from me, leaving your infant unsupervised in a shallow pool of hot, molten rock is deadlier than you may think,” said Child Safety Foundation president Leo Miller, who added that many parents think it’s fine to leave their children alone near a volcano, only to return and find them face down, floating in 2,000-degree lava ejected from the Earth’s mantle. “Sadly, submersion in lava can cause damage to a child’s vital organs or—worse—death. By the time parents find their baby and begin administering CPR, often all that’s left is a smoldering skeleton.” Miller has previously called on local governments to invest in more public volcanoes so that more American children can learn to swim in lava.

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Hawaiian shirt and khaki short-wearing mourners on beaches across the country solemnly participated in a memorial Happy Hour of Silence to honor the late Jimmy Buffet, sources confirmed.

“The second I heard Jimmy went to the great beach party in the sky, I knew I had to get to the closest tiki-themed bar and raise a glass,” said 63-year-old Dave Lamon. “But even though I was tempted to pop ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ on the jukebox and do a rowdy singalong, it didn’t feel right. This was the time to reflect quietly on the gift Jimmy gave us while I cried silently into my electric blue tropical drink. And I’ll tell you what, I wasn’t the only one. The bar ran out of paper umbrellas by 2 p.m., and I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard a single word uttered other than a drink order or a muffled sob in the several hours I’ve been here.”

Christina McGown, a franchise owner and manager of a Margaritaville Resort, lent her insight into what the chain is doing to honor their fallen founder.

“It is a sad, sad day here in Margaritaville,” said McGown while draping the resort bar’s tables in black tablecloths. “We will be holding a candlelight vigil for the next several days in order to properly mourn the late Mr. Buffet. I even ordered these special black martini glasses that should be delivered tomorrow. I’m thinking that we swap out all the plastic pink flamingos for crows or something too, since Halloween stuff is in stores already. Oh, and we can get one of those industrial spray paint things and coat the palm trees! Wait, am I enjoying getting to do something different for a change? I’m sorry, I need to go listen to our theme song and get back in the correct headspace, I’m clearly not thinking correctly.”

Music critic Stanley Hamper reflected on Buffet’s iconic career.

“I can guarantee you that old guys who have made their whole personality liking coconuts or whatever are having the worst day of their lives,” Hamper said. “Now that Jimmy is gone, they have no one to look up to. No one to point to and say ‘If he’s made a career out of being an ultra-laid back beach bum, why can’t I?’ when their wives complain that fishing isn’t a replacement for a real job. But you know what, I’m being too harsh. I’ve felt this cosmic pull to pour myself a drink with 36 grams of sugar and sit in the sun all day, and honestly, I’m done fighting that urge. I’ll see you in the morning when I wake up with the worst hangover of all time.”

At press time, Lamon was seen futilely trying to start a funeral procession of golf carts.

Hey, Nineties kids! As we’re all getting older, our beloved Furbies are as well: Thousands and thousands of Furbies are now approaching menopause, and it’s affecting everyone around them.

“I’ve owned and sold over a hundred Furbies since they launched in 1998,” says Miranda Collins, a toy collector. “And nearly all of them have grown moody, erratic, and depressed in the past year or two, signaling a massive change in their body that will hopefully subside soon.”

Wow! Those furry little creatures sure have grown up – and are slowly losing their reproductive capacity! Several other collectors have noticed a change among their Furbies, including night sweats, hot flashes, and a reduced sex drive. “We don’t really know when this will be over,” added Miranda. “But we definitely will all breathe a sigh of relief when it finally is. Several of my Furbies just won’t stop crying.” This news sure left us Millennials fumbling for our calcium supplements!

“Pick up the pace, man. We’ve given you how many tens of billions of dollars, and for what, retaking a couple bridges? When we started supporting you, we figured you’d get this wrapped up in six months or so, yet here we are a year and a half later and nothing doing. Sure, you’re a pretty boy on the battlefield, but there are a lot of pretty boys around here, you feel me? We can have Letterman over there interviewing some puppet in a hoodie at the drop of a hat. You think I’m bluffing? We helped put you there in 2019, so don’t think we won’t help take you out in October 2023. Look, man, it’s nothing personal. This is just the cost of running a hegemonic global superpower, and you knew that when you threw in with us. Get it together, or else.” Biden reportedly finished the call by telling the Ukrainian president that if he so much as whispered the words “peace negotiations,” the official U.S. replacement plan would have the Mariinskyi Palace surrounded by Zelensky’s own army in no time flat.

NEW YORK—Saying he hated to split hairs about such a tragic event, 9/11 truther Ethan Guske nonetheless questioned Thursday why there had been two huge bull’s-eyes painted on the side of the Twin Towers. “Look, I get that this is a hot-button issue, but I’d just like someone to answer how or why there was a pair of giant bull’s-eyes spray-painted on the sides of the World Trade Center if the government wasn’t involved,” said Guske, noting that he would be happy to hear a logical argument to the contrary, but that he simply couldn’t come up with any explanation for how the 150-foot-wide targets had made it onto the tallest buildings in New York City along with the words “FLY HERE” and several red arrows that pointed directly to their center. “If you dig into George W. Bush’s 2001 budget, you see there’s actually a line item for $15,000 of red paint and rappelling gear. Who needs all that paint? And why did the bull’s-eyes only get bigger after the World Trade Center went untouched for a few months? I just think there’s something here that deserves a little more scrutiny.” Guske reportedly expressed further suspicion after discovering similar enormous bull’s-eyes in archival photographs of the Pentagon, the White House, and a field in Shanksville, PA.

MYKONOS, GREECE—Describing it as a truly awe-inspiring sight of natural beauty, tourists told reporters Wednesday about the incredible refugee-watching tour they recently enjoyed during their trip to the Mediterranean. “At first, the guide said we might not be able to see any refugees because they’re a bit skittish around people, but soon enough we saw one in the waves for a second and then it disappeared under the water,” said Gale Preston, a visitor from Florida who remarked that watching the migration of 700 refugees fleeing persecution in their home country was absolutely breathtaking and definitely worth the wait. “I didn’t know they traveled in such big packs, and they were all in perfect sync, each one grasping onto the vessel with the same terrified expression. It was an incredible experience, all the way through to the end when their ship sank.” Preston added that when one of the refugees swam right up to the tourist boat, she really wanted to take them home with her, but the guide insisted they had to let nature take its course.

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WASHINGTON—Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation’s youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. “Across America, parents are watching helplessly as trained surgeons compel their sons to become daughters and their daughters to become sons,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, who cited reports that detailed how hordes of doctors were marauding through all 50 states, waylaying as many teenagers as possible, and performing gender-reassignment surgery on them against their will. “We’re told these savage physicians are sharpening their scalpels as we speak, having discarded the Hippocratic oath in favor of a new creed, one that commits them to never resting until they’ve found every single teen in the United States and turned their penis into a vagina or their vagina into a penis. They hold a blade in one hand and a breast implant in the other. Often, a few of them will gang up on a male teen and force-feed him estrogen pills before stripping him naked and forcing him to wear a pretty dress.” According to local sources throughout the nation, once the knife-wielding doctors have successfully swapped every teen’s gender, they probably have plans to go around swapping them all back again.

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SALISBURY, MD—Saying the company maintained a strong commitment to sustainable agricultural practices, poultry processing conglomerate Perdue Farms pledged Tuesday to plant one chicken for every chicken it sold. “As part of our broader efforts to be thoughtful, responsible stewards of our planet’s natural resources, I’m happy to inform our customers that, starting today, a Perdue chicken bought is a Perdue chicken buried,” said CEO Kevin McAdams, who explained how the company was working with partners around the globe to offset the 700 million birds it slaughters each year by planting 700 million still-living chickens up to their necks in dirt. “With this net-zero chicken initiative, Perdue will be able to dramatically increase the number of domestic fowl populating our world’s vitally important rainforests. We can’t think of a better way to reduce our environmental impact and lower our overall chicken footprint.” McAdams went on to state that for each 2-pound bag of frozen chicken nuggets sold, Perdue would dump a similar quantity of nuggets into the ocean to help restore coral reefs.