The Onion

CLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked bodies. “No date night would be complete without Hamburger Helper’s new sensual, savory blend of powdered cheese and spices, specially formulated to be licked clean from your partner’s chest, thighs, or…anywhere your desires may take you,” read a press release from parent company Eagle Foods, which went on to state that in only 30 minutes, consumers would be lying down for an intimate meal of elbow macaroni, ground beef, and rehydrated onions ladled over their lover “from head to toe.” “While Hamburger Helper remains America’s favorite no-fuss, one-pan dinner for the whole family, the all-new Hamburger Helper Pure Ecstasy is meant to be enjoyed by consenting adults 18 or older. These steamy, sizzling-hot casserole blends come in classic flavors like Deluxe Beef Stroganoff, Cheesy Italian Shells, and Cheesy Ranch Burger, but with seductive new pasta shapes chosen with the sexy curves of the human form in mind. Plus, no dishes to clean afterward—only sheets.” The press release confirmed the erotic casserole’s box would include step-by-step instructions on how to blindfold one’s partner and titillatingly dribble hot grease on their chest.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

Once again, another oldie

WASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he needed them for war. “We really need a bunch of these staplers for the war effort,” said the Ukrainian leader, snatching up dozens of black Swingline staplers and adding them to a growing armful of paper clips, tape dispensers, and rubber bands that he had already swiped from Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s desk as they wrapped up a private conversation earlier this afternoon. “We’re nearing the two-year mark in this war with no major breakthroughs and a vast deficit in printer paper that is quickly being depleted by all the, uh, war plans and stuff. That’s why we need your continued financial support, as well as any of these binder clips you have lying around, to clamp onto Russian forces. Look, our brave men are on the front lines as we speak, fighting for their lives and their country without stacks of manila folders they can stand on to get a better view of the enemy. But with your help, and this half-empty bottle of nondairy powdered creamer, we may stand a chance after all.” At press time, Zelensky admitted he stole the extra toilet paper rolls from the bathroom because it would be super annoying to stop at the store on his way home.

Another oldie

The headline is the whole joke

Federal Greenwashing Minister Tanya Plibersek has declared an all out war against Australia’s feral cat population in a bid to stop them from killing our native wildlife. Plibersek put released a statement putting in no uncertain terms that the only ones allowed to wipe out Australian wildlife are the government’s fossil fuel donors.

“These cats have gone too far,” said Plibersek, “it’s time we put an end to their crimes once and for all as they have not donated nearly enough money to the Labor party to pose this level of threat to Australia’s wildlife.”

“Speaking of, we do wish to give a special thank you to our friends in the fossil fuel industry who have already begun work on a weapon called ‘the climate apocalypse’ which is sure to wipe out all feral cats in this country at some point.”

In preparation for this war, the SAS has begun intense training in order to drone strike the felines and handcuff them before kicking them off cliffs.

Other reports suggest that both the human and cat armies have reached out to Australia’s mightiest army, the emus, in hopes of getting their help in the battles ahead. With one expert saying, “if the emu army takes the cats’ side, it’s over for us.”

SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this guy doing?” said resident Felicity Truesdale, admitting she was at a loss to explain the presence of an individual outdoors who was dressed in casual clothing and, instead of holding a DoorDash or Grubhub bag, was completely empty-handed. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t go inside. He’s heading down the sidewalk at an ordinary pace—where could he possibly be going? I should probably call the police just to let them know. I assume that’s against the law.” At press time, Truesdale had reportedly decided to play it safe by evoking her state’s “stand your ground” law and shooting the man dead where he stood.

PLAINS, GA—Saying they had no way of knowing where these crazy lives of theirs would take them, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly made a pact Thursday with Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in which the pair agreed that if they were both single in 50 years, they would marry each other. “Look, I know we’ve had our ups and downs, Dianne, but all I’m saying is, if neither of us is married a half century from now, maybe we just throw caution to the wind and get hitched,” said the 98-year-old Carter, who stressed that he knew now was not the right time for either of them, but that they might really be something special together once he and Feinstein, 90, had each spent a few decades on their own—maturing, sexually exploring, and seeing what all the world had to offer. “Come 2073, if we don’t find anyone else, let’s just do it up big together, y’know? Maybe we go to Vegas. You in a white dress, me in a tux, all our family and friends there. Funny to think that most of my aunts and uncles with be in their 170s or 180s by then.” Carter later rushed to add that nothing about the pact prohibited him and Feinstein from occasionally hooking up with each other over the next five decades.

DESTIN, FL—Reaching up to the tower to palm him the banknote, local woman Danielle Haugh reportedly slipped a lifeguard $20 Friday to let her drown. “I might go under and not want to come back up, okay?” said Haugh, who pressed the bill into the 17-year-old lifeguard’s hand and winked, hoping she was effectively communicating that she wanted to die. “You might see me inhaling a lot of water out there. Maybe you get a cramp, maybe you get an important call. You know what I mean? Plus, there’ll be a lot more where that came from when you check the pockets of my bloated corpse.” At press time, reports confirmed Haugh was attempting to drown herself in a backyard kiddie pool after the lifeguard kicked her off the beach.

All the hope that New York Jets fans had for this year vanished within minutes of Aaron Rodgers’ first game as their new quarterback, when he left the field with a season-ending injury. Now, as if that weren’t reason enough to doubt the Jets’ playoff chances, things just got much more dire for the team: The New York Jets are currently trapped in the same Thai cave all those soccer players had to be rescued from in 2018.

Oof…this is truly a nightmare scenario for Jets fans.

In a press conference this morning, Head Coach Robert Saleh announced that the Jets’ entire 53-man roster is presently stuck 2.5 miles deep inside Tham Luang Nang Non—the same north Thailand cave system a youth soccer team was famously rescued from several years ago. Saleh personally took responsibility for his players getting stranded deep inside the cave as the result of a “team-building activity gone wrong,” but was confident that the team could all be rescued and back on the field within 14-20 days. Needless to say, with the cave’s oxygen levels depleting and water levels rising, this new hurdle doesn’t bode well for the Jets’ showdown against the New England Patriots this upcoming Sunday.

“Our guys are tough, they can overcome anything the cave throws at them, so for now, we’re just taking it day by day, and not making any calls before we’re able to establish communication with them. Rescuers are running a telephone wire through the cave as I speak,” Saleh continued, assuring fans that star players like Sauce Gardner and Garrett Wilson were being attended to by the best cave divers the Jets’ organization has to offer. “You know, going into this season, we knew there were going to be challenges, and getting 53 large athletes in full gear out of an underwater cave system, through extremely narrow passages, in almost total darkness, that’s definitely become one of them, and hey, we just have to deal with it. We’re fighters. Anyone writing us off because of losing Aaron, or because of this Thailand cave situation, is going to be surprised once we’re back out there, playing our hearts out.”

Wow. If you didn’t believe the Jets were cursed before, you probably do now.

Well, this season certainly isn’t going the way Jets fans had hoped. Unfortunately, Vegas odds now say the team’s likelihood of making it to the Super Bowl is 800-1, with their odds of dying in the cave now 14-1. To put that in perspective, their odds of dying in a cave before the season was only 90-1. Yikes. Whether this season is a total wash remains to be seen, but it does not look good. Not at all.