The Onion

The past week has shown humanity at its worst: A horrific terrorist attack left at least 1,300 Israelis dead, among them peace activists and even innocent children. The fates of many more kidnapped civilians still lie in the balance. Meanwhile, statements from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu suggest retaliation…

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to improve student safety on campus, Cornell University reportedly completed the installation of 36 red-light emergency phones Thursday for conservative students to use if they feel they have been assaulted by progressive beliefs. “We are committed to protecting any right-leaning student who merely wants to get to their dorm or class without being threatened by trans rights or radical feminists,” Cornell president Martha E. Pollack said at a dedication ceremony, explaining that in order to receive help, conservative students merely need to press the button under one of the conveniently located phones and explain that they felt attacked after hearing arguments in support of an expanded welfare state or making abortion easily accessible. “Say you’re at a party when suddenly you’re cornered and expected to render a positive opinion about the recent Barbie movie. Or maybe it’s late at night, and you hear a pack of strangers approaching you from behind while discussing Michel Foucault. Perhaps you’re just in the library and realize that Karl Marx himself is on your reading list. Now all you have to do is get out of there immediately and retreat to one of our red light phones. We can have a counselor to you in under five minutes with a copy of Atlas Shrugged and a phone preloaded with Matt Walsh podcasts.” At press time, the university had come under fire after suggesting right-wing students could also avoid provoking unsafe situations by refraining from walking around late at night while wearing a bow tie.

link: https://www.theonion.com/university-installs-red-light-phones-for-conservative-s-1850907474

WASHINGTON—Claiming to have acquired enough evidence to support the allegations, Pentagon officials held a press conference Wednesday to accuse China of being Chinese. “After a years-long investigation, we now have corroboration from numerous witnesses that China is definitely Chinese,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, explaining that surveillance shows the rival superpower has been amassing millions of Chinese people within its borders. “We have always suspected that China might be Chinese, but now we have discovered that President Xi Jinping and past leaders have been secretly letting Chinese ideology run rampant in their country for years. They’ve even gone so far as to invent an entire Chinese language and history; what else could they be hiding?” At press time, Pentagon officials claimed the situation had reached a level of concern they had not felt since they first suspected Russia of being Russian.

link: https://www.theonion.com/pentagon-accuses-china-of-being-chinese-1850912833

NEW YORK—Claiming that the humanizing of occupied peoples is not what the newspaper stands for, The New York Times issued an apology Tuesday for reporting on Palestinian deaths. “Our thoughtful and accurate coverage of the Palestinian death toll in no way met our editorial standards for obfuscation, and for that we sincerely apologize,” said executive editor Joseph Kahn, explaining that the article marked the first such mention of Palestinian suffering in the Times’ 172-year history, and it would certainly be the last. “Rest assured, the individual responsible for bringing to light the atrocities perpetrated on the Palestinian people has already been terminated. We will use this as a teachable moment and redouble our efforts to conceal the anguish of all marginalized and oppressed peoples going forward.” At press time, the Times issued a retraction for incorrectly identifying Palestinians as “human beings.”

EVERYWHERE—As the influence of the nation’s transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori Randall is now capable of using every single bathroom in the country at once. “Tori has become so trans that she can enter every single bathroom in the continental United States simultaneously, and there’s absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop her,” said Cincinnati city officials in a statement echoed by officials in thousands of other towns and cities across the nation, where every single stall in both public and private bathrooms is being currently occupied under the formidable capacities of the single trans individual. “This is what happens when there’s not enough legislation to keep transgender people out of our bathrooms. Now she’s in every women’s bathroom and every men’s bathroom. She’s in our bathroom and your bathroom. She’s in bathrooms in every country club even though she’s not a member; she’s in every stall at JFK Airport even though she doesn’t have a flight. Her piss and shit are at this very moment traveling down the drains of every single bathroom at every single billionaire’s gated mansion, and there are billions of U.S. toilets all flushing at once. She doesn’t need the code at Starbucks. She can travel through bathroom walls. Soon, as the trans community becomes increasingly confident in its omnipotent abilities, we could see them all develop the capacity to bend the laws of space-time, at least as far as bathrooms are concerned. We should all be very, very afraid.” At press time, reports confirmed the trans person’s powers had only grown as she used every last drop of water in the Northern Hemisphere to wash her hands.

CHICAGO—In a move that remained controversial among residents of the surrounding neighborhood, Chicago city officials approved a building permit Monday that would allow the conversion of a publicly funded affordable housing tower into a single-family home. “This 25-story single-family residence will address a dire need for permanent shelter among one local family of four,” said luxury real estate developer Brant Gellar, detailing plans to knock out the majority of walls from all 220 units in one of the Northwest Side’s only public housing developments in order to better serve the dwelling needs of the La Pierre–Richardson family, who have already paid cash to purchase the building outright. “For concerned locals, rest assured this project will dramatically raise property values in the area once we evict all the current occupants and they begin to frantically compete for a place to live nearby. Plus, what was once nothing more than an eyesore will now be covered in brand-new siding of neutral millennial gray.” At press time, the house was reportedly back on the market for $600 million after the family decided they’d rather live in the suburbs.

link: https://www.theonion.com/chicago-approves-building-permit-to-convert-affordable-1850907302

PORTER, IN—In a surprising pivot that sent shock waves through the environmental movement, climate justice activist Greta Thunberg told reporters Monday that she was embracing big oil after visiting a really nice highway truck stop in Indiana. “If I had known you could buy a phone case, new sunglasses, an energy drink, and a roller-grilled hot dog all in one stop, I never would have supported a worldwide divestment in fossil fuels,” the longtime renewable energy advocate said during her visit to the TA Travel Center at exit 22B off I-94, where she reportedly admired a huge display of pocket knives, purchased several different varieties of beef jerky, and announced she was now fully on board with subsidizing oil companies. “Without diesel trucks and gas-powered cars, this vibrant culture might face extinction. An entire way of life full of sarcastic bumper stickers, Otis Spunkmeyer muffins, DVDs of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, and Bible-themed crossword books could be wiped out forever.” Thunberg later announced a new campaign to promote offshore oil drilling during which she would tour America’s truck stops in a charter bus that gets six miles per gallon of fuel.

link: https://www.theonion.com/greta-thunberg-embraces-big-oil-after-visiting-really-n-1850906295

BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND—Hailing the competitor as a welcome addition to the show’s lineup, the new Great British Baking Show broke boundaries this week with its first-ever Yorkshire pudding contestant. “After 14 seasons, it’s high time that we had a dough-based competitor on the show,” said host Prue Leith, praising the buttery, piping-hot personality that the 7-foot-tall Yorkshire pudding brought to the tent. “Paul [Hollywood] absolutely wouldn’t stop flirting with it. The rascal. Just to make the pudding feel more comfortable, Noel Fielding even went around the counter, jumped into its tray of beef drippings, and gave it a big hug. Of course, some fans are going to be skeptical, but I think it’s more than proved itself by winning star baker this first week. Yorkie is a real darling, and we can’t wait to see what it has in store in the coming episodes.” At press time, the Yorkshire pudding had reportedly suffered a mental breakdown and departed the show after being tasked with baking a dozen miniature Yorkshire puddings in the technical challenge.

WASHINGTON—Rolling out a new initiative to provide the financial restitution long advocated for by the Black community, the federal government announced Tuesday that it had hidden a briefcase full of slavery reparations somewhere in the continental United States. “Get ready to look far and wide, because we’ve placed every last dollar of reparations in a briefcase for one lucky winner to find!” President Joe Biden said before firing a starter pistol in the air to launch the new initiative intended to make amends for the system of chattel slavery upon which the American economy was built. “We’re talking about a pretty huge payout here. This is payment in full for every wrong caused by centuries of structural inequity, including voter disenfranchisement, redlining, the entire Jim Crow era, and forced labor from 1619 to 1865. All you have to do is find it. Could be in the Midwest, on the coasts, in the South—you’ll have to look hard, so you’d better get started!” At press reports, reports confirmed the briefcase had been found by a Black man who was immediately shot more than 50 times by police.

link: https://www.theonion.com/federal-government-announces-they-ve-hidden-briefcase-f-1850888072

Dianne Feinstein, who served as a senator of California since 1992, died Thursday night at the age of 90. The Onion looks back at 31 years of Feinstein becoming elderly while in office.