The Onion

link: https://www.theonion.com/weird-roommate-binge-eats-entire-bunch-of-bananas-1851075614

DUBAI — Attendees of the COP28 Climate Summit set aside the solutions to impending climate catastrophe after being dazzled by the inclusion of an ostentatious crude oil fountain in the dining hall, event coordinators have reported.

“I understand that we’re here to figure out how humanity will stave off the coming climate apocalypse, but I’ll be damned if that oil fountain isn’t the coolest shit I’ve seen in a long time. It even does the thing where it spurts out to project images of objects. Absolutely blew my tits off,” said English ambassador Roger Cummings. “I can’t believe I was concerned with the summit being spearheaded by the CEO of the largest oil company in the Middle East! Between the fountain and the indoor go kart track tournament tonight, I think we can put the fate of humanity aside to enjoy ourselves for a bit.”

The host of COP28, CEO of Abu Dhabi National Oil Company Dr. Sultan al-Jaber, said the fountain was the centerpiece of the entire event.

“We are committed to taking on the challenges of climate change, but this is Dubai and in this city we love two things: flashy opulence and black gold. This fountain is connected to a well we drilled under the event center, and metaphorically into the minds and wallets of politicians who want to cut into our profit margins just to buy the Earth a few more years of being hospitable,” said al-Jaber. “Look how they gawk at it! They don’t even care that this summit is a farce, they just want selfies with a glorified lawn decoration. Though this is nothing compared to the one in my underground doomsday bunker.”

Event planners for the summit who cater to the wealthy and powerful noted that the fountain and other gaudy distractions usually drive ulterior motives.

“Whenever some rabble-rousers begin to challenge the machinations that keep them poor and sick, they naturally turn to their elected representatives to resolve the issue. So then it falls on me to throw lavish parties hosted by industry leaders and lobbyists to ensure nothing changes even if it’s an event that looks good for the papers,” said Elias Downey. “The fountain was easy, but you should’ve seen the strings we pulled to prevent Nancy Pelosi blocking members of Congress from trading stocks. It’s not easy to procure a golden unicorn that shoots money out of its horn!”

As of press time, summit organizers unveiled a dunk tank where attendees could sink a climate activist into an oil drum.

link: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/climate-conference-attendees-dazzled-by-crude-oil-fountain-in-dining-hall/

A few days ago, YouTuber Hbomberguy released the video “Plagiarism and You(Tube).” It’s an insightful look at the current state of the creator economy, and how so much content these days is stolen. Or at least, that’s what I assume it’s about. That thing is 4 hours long! Why would I watch that when my whole gaming backlog is right there? Here’s 20 indie games that may or may not be in your own backlog, all of which you could beat in the time it takes you to watch that new Hbomberguy video.

read more: https://hard-drive.net/hd/list/20-indie-games-that-you-could-beat-in-the-time-it-would-take-you-to-watch-that-hbomberguy-video/

link: https://reductress.com/post/password-expiration-policy-forces-woman-to-change-dogs-name-every-60-days/

PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is currently being trailed by someone who means them harm,” said study coauthor Dr. Howard Friesch, who was pleased to announce that the findings confirmed the researchers’ long-held theory that no one is safe. “They could be a casual acquaintance, a jilted lover, or even a stranger, someone you’ve only ever made eye contact with once who has now decided you must be destroyed. They could be teaming up to take you down together, or all be competing to be the one to get to you first. There is one guy plotting to kill everyone, so that ups the average a bit.” At press time, Dr. Friesch suggested Americans live off the grid in the desert where they can see if someone is coming from miles away.

link: https://www.theonion.com/study-average-american-has-at-least-3-people-plotting-1851066563

“I guess he’s an okay guy,” repeated Ahmed Bashar, a cashier at Mr. McFinnigan’s lunch spot and recent immigrant from Iran. “He once asked me if I knew anyone in ISIS, and when I made him repeat himself he pretended to ask if “I knew what time it is”, but I don’t think he meant any harm.”

link: https://reductress.com/post/oh-no-this-woman-drank-so-much-sleepytime-tea-she-was-pronounced-legally-dead/

21-year-old Genevieve DeSola never expected the little indie darling she bought in 2018 to fundamentally change her personhood.

“At first,” she began sheepishly over our Discord call interview, “It was just a speed game, y’know? Just came out, everyone was talking about how good it was, how great of a run it was. People were figuring out secrets ‘n shit, digging around, seeing what worked and what didn’t. Everyone was talking. It was, like, a burgeoning community.”

At the time of Celeste’s release, Genevieve (known to her friends as Genny) was going by her birth name, and still identified as male. She had always felt closer to the girls in her highschool, but was often ostracized by those around her for her niche interests, such as speedrunning, which she found much solace in. She recalls one of her first speed games being Super Meat Boy, another difficult movement platformer.

“I never really paid attention to the story. Just sorta mashed through the levels, trying to unlock ‘em all so I could practice on them. But then the weirdest thing happened one night. My computer’s hard drive got fucked, and I had no clue about cloud saves at the time. Think I just turned them off at some point.” she recalled to us with a chuckle. “Stupid in hindsight.”

“But, anyway,” she continued, “I had to start from the very beginning. I was fucking pissed, but after sleeping on it, I decided to actually, like, listen to the story this time. That’s when shit started clicking.”

One of the aspects of Celeste’s story is that many of the themes are allegories to the transgender experience; the very mountain the player climbs is, in one part, an allegory for the creator, Mandy Thorson’s journey to accept her own trans identity over the game’s development.

Genevieve saw herself in that.

“The main character, like, carries all this shit with her on the climb. Doesn’t see herself in the mirror, just all her shame and what she hates about herself. I felt that, but I didn’t know why. Then the creator herself came out in 2019, ‘n talked about how she felt the same things as I did. It’s hard to explain.”

After that, Genevieve began browsing transgender subreddits, and listening to other people’s experiences of also realizing they were trans because of Celeste. Then, in 2020, she came out as a trans woman, and began HRT in 2021.

She ended our interview with a message to all the other ‘eggs’ in the gaming scene:

“Sometimes, a game’s gonna hit you in a way you don’t know how to feel about. And sometimes, you gotta sit with those feelings. Don’t push them to the back or ignore them ‘cause they make you feel weird. The weird feelings are usually the truest.”

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/former-mans-playthrough-of-celeste-one-of-her-most-important-life-experiences/

When you’re famous, it’s all too easy to find yourself surrounded by people more interested in your wealth and social status than your best interests. Just take this rapper for example, whose closest “friends” are letting him down in a truly devastating way: No one in Drake’s crew is brave enough to tell him that cussing and premarital sex are sins.

Ugh…it seems like no one in Drake’s crew cares if he spends the afterlife in God’s eternal paradise or not.

Take one listen to any Drake album, and it’s abundantly clear that no one in his life is willing to have an honest conversation with him about his godless behavior, which includes having frequent sex outside of marriage, writing lyrics full of curse words, and stealing other rappers’ flows. Sadly, the downside of Drake’s fame is that people rarely tell him “no”, even when he needs to hear it for the sake of God’s righteous judgment. For fear of losing access to his influence and power, 40, Baka, Niko, Chubbs, and all of Drake’s other OVO crew members allow—no, encourage—him to partake in heavy drinking and bring strippers back to his hotel rooms, fully knowing that these acts will be charged as sins in Jesus’s ledger.

If even one of Drake’s pals had the courage to take him aside and explain that his insatiable lust for thick women and obsessive penchant for cussing in his raps are displeasing to God, they could save his soul from eternal damnation. Unfortunately, none of Drake’s friends are willing to risk their place in his inner circle to prevent him from giving in to immoral temptations, even if it means Drake is ultimately turned away from the most exclusive club of all: Heaven. And that’s just heartbreaking.

Real friends don’t enable friends to pursue worldly comforts and excess over spiritual satisfaction…and needless to say, Drake is sorely lacking in real friends right now.

On the bright side, it’s never too late for Drake to seek God’s forgiveness and live a moral life according to the scriptures. All we can do is hope that the next time Drake is in the studio recording a song that features the “F” word, someone who actually cares about his soul, and not his money, will be brave enough to intervene. We are praying for you either way, Drake!

link: https://clickhole.com/surrounded-by-yes-men-no-one-in-drakes-crew-is-brave-enough-to-tell-him-that-cussing-and-premarital-sex-are-sins/