The Onion

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The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

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"My Phone Battery Is Fucked" Says Mate With ADHD Who Doesn't Leave The Fucking Thing Alone (www.betootaadvocate.com)
submitted 11 months ago by can@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social
2 comments fedilink
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Liberal Conspiracy Theorists Claim Kid Rock Will Endorse Trump At Daytona 500 (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by seahorse@midwest.social to c/theonion@midwest.social
10 comments fedilink
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Trump Boys Help Father Raise $83 Million By Asking Their Dad For The Money (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
3 comments fedilink
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Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Early Spring, Chiefs Winning Super Bowl in Unhinged Conspiratorial Rant (thehardtimes.net)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
0 comments fedilink
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Woman Who Had Almost Formed Healthy Sense Of Self Rejoins Social Media (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by The_Picard_Maneuver@startrek.website to c/theonion@midwest.social
5 comments fedilink
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Boomer Dad Confused Why Describing Everyone's Race, Weight, Unconfirmed Mental Disabilities, Hotness on 1-10 Scale in Anecdote So Bad (thehardtimes.net)
submitted 11 months ago by Dankry@lemmy.world to c/theonion@midwest.social
7 comments fedilink
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Man Looks On Helplessly As Cascade Of Clear Liquid Fills Cup At Soda Fountain (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by can@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social
1 comments fedilink
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Fan of Cowboy Bebop Soundtrack Announces Plans to Never Listen to Any Other Jazz Ever (hard-drive.net)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
56 comments fedilink
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First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
13 comments fedilink
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Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by Nero@sopuli.xyz to c/theonion@midwest.social
18 comments fedilink
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Most Popular Baby Boy Name The Year You Were Born (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by The_Picard_Maneuver@startrek.website to c/theonion@midwest.social
7 comments fedilink
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Dying Man Confesses Juggalos Are a Myth He Invented to Fuck With Vice (thehardtimes.net)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
31 comments fedilink
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Shrewd Entrepreneur Opens Burrito Place In Former Site Of Failed Burrito Place (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by The_Picard_Maneuver@startrek.website to c/theonion@midwest.social
15 comments fedilink
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Judge Orders Columbus Statue Removed And Melted Down Into Pinkie Rings For Local Italians (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by seahorse@midwest.social to c/theonion@midwest.social
0 comments fedilink
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Fake Joe Biden Robocall Tells New Hampshire Voters He Took A Paternity Test And He’s Their Dad (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by seahorse@midwest.social to c/theonion@midwest.social
11 comments fedilink
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International Court of Justice rules that Israel must bomb civilians more humanely (www.thebeaverton.com)
submitted 11 months ago by Nero@sopuli.xyz to c/theonion@midwest.social
8 comments fedilink
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Mourning Family Torn Over Whether Daughter’s Murder Should Be Podcast or Netflix Series (thehardtimes.net)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
6 comments fedilink
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Americans Explain Why The U.S. Has Never Been A Racist Country (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
13 comments fedilink
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Bully Suspended for Verbally Harassing Peers Argues He Was Just Pushing Boundaries With His Comedy (reductress.com)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
49 comments fedilink
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Uncle Has Undetonated WWII Grenade He’d Like To Show You (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by seahorse@midwest.social to c/theonion@midwest.social
5 comments fedilink
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Alabama Middle Schooler Jailed After Taking Basketball Back Out From Under Her Shirt (youtu.be)
submitted 11 months ago by can@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social
32 comments fedilink
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Biden Announces He’s Reheating Chili If Anyone’s Interested (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by tree@lemmy.zip to c/theonion@midwest.social
22 comments fedilink
 
 

WASHINGTON—Stating that it was as easy to prepare 330 million helpings as one, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that he was reheating chili if anyone was interested. “I’m going to pop some chili into the microwave in a minute or so if anyone wants some,” said Biden, who raised his eyebrows as he gestured emphatically at the large container of leftover meat and beans and repeated “anyone want in on this?” “It smells good. I bet it tastes good, too. It’s from Tuesday, but it should still be good. Better, even. It gives the flavors time to mingle. Alright, last chance if anyone wants any. You’ll need to get past security to get into the White House, but I can arrange that.” At press time, Biden was attempting to entice the nation by shaking a bag of oyster crackers.

link: https://www.theonion.com/biden-announces-he-s-reheating-chili-if-anyone-s-intere-1851174872

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Oscar the Grouch criticized for giving children unrealistic housing goals (www.thebeaverton.com)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
3 comments fedilink
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Gen Z Announces Julie Andrews Is Problematic But Refuses To Explain Why (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by The_Picard_Maneuver@startrek.website to c/theonion@midwest.social
27 comments fedilink
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Congress Reduces SNAP Benefits To One Free Treat On Recipient’s Birthday (www.theonion.com)
submitted 11 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social
7 comments fedilink
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