The Onion

Snippet:

CALGARY – Local man Peter Johnson claims he was rejected from a job he applied for because he has a dick, when sources confirm that he is, in fact, simply a dick.

“They’re discriminating against me for being a man,” says complainant Peter Johnson, high-fiving several cops as he walked down the street carrying an open beer and cat-calling multiple women. “As we all know, the most discriminated against people on the planet are cishet white men. Google it, but only look at the results from 4chan.”

The small boats migrant crisis must be stopped immediately, so we can focus on helping our own people first, according to a man who lost his mind when he found out Sadiq Khan wanted to feed hungry school children at the taxpayer’s expense.

Worth it just for the photo!