The Onion

There’s a up-and-coming political star that is making waves on the local level, 5-year-old Jerry Manders from Chicago, Illinois, has been identified as a lying prodigy with a skill set so advanced that he is already being hailed as a future star in American politics.

“Yes, I did my homework last night,” Jerry fibbed to his kindergarten teacher earlier this week, not knowing that this precise moment would set him on a path to future public office. Jerry, who had instead spent the prior evening watching toy unboxing videos, showcased a remarkable aptitude for deflecting blame, disarming his opponents with confusing rhetoric, and a natural talent for lying constantly—all foundational skills in the political arena.

https://tattletaletimes.com/index.php/2023/09/01/jerry-manders-5-year-old-prodigy-liar-already-hailed-as-future-political-star/

At the bottom of the list, we have this drawing from 1984 Christmas horror flick Silent Night, Deadly Night. Unless you are a very careful four year-old unacquainted with the concept of The Red Liquid That Nourishes, this is not a creepy drawing in the slightest, but perhaps even more importantly, it doesn’t look at all like a child made it. Notice the lack of course-correction on any of the lines, the expert shading and perspective on the deer’s legs, the even, perfect coloring. This doesn’t read like a frantic vision of violence from an eight year-old traumatized by a murderous mall Santa three years prior. This is something an edgy teen draws during the school Christmas party to let their peers know they are no longer under the spell of childhood.

This made me laugh but I would be sad if my mother saw it

#Austrian newspaper oe24 takes over Postillon article

In a world where fact and fiction often merge indistinguishably, a curious story is causing a stir and hilarity. Jörg Thomann, a fictional character from Frankfurt, has allegedly managed to realize his dream: After six years of meticulously searching for and collecting fallen Boeing parts, he built his own airplane. This story, originally published as satire by Postillon, was shared on Instagram by the Austrian daily newspaper OE24 and mistakenly taken at face value. Over 1,000 users responded to the post with a "like" within a few hours, a testament to the viral nature of misinformation.

[…]

Translated using Deepl

Original article by Der Postillon

#Finally complete: Collector builds his own airplane from lost Boeing parts

Frankfurt (dpo) - It was hard work, but it was worth it: after six years, collector and hobbyist Jörg Thomann from Frankfurt has managed to collect enough fallen Boeing parts to build his own airplane.

[…]

Translated using Deepl

oe24 already deleted its Instagram post.

WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through tears that if the date-rape drug had been legal during his time as a college student, it would have “changed [his] life.” “Under the 14th Amendment, the DEA’s prohibition of Rohypnol is unconstitutional. Creeps and perverts are entitled to the same rights as those who have never sexually assaulted or attempted to sexually assault anyone. The Founding Fathers would have absolutely taken a dose of flunitrazepam to the tavern with them.” At press time, telehealth company Hims had already released a new ad campaign targeting men who want roofies but are too embarrassed to speak to their doctor about it.

GLENCOE, IL—Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. “I’m not saying our other sex ed teachers weren’t good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant,” said 14-year-old student Luke Watkins, adding that his teacher must understand a thing or two about the human reproductive system, romantic relationships, and having unprotected sexual intercourse if she was able to conceive a child. “It’s one thing to talk about getting ejaculated into while you’re ovulating and allowing the sperm to fertilize a viable egg, but it’s quite another to actually do it. She must really know her way around her own vagina. I can only hope to be as cool as her some day.” Watkins added that this was even more impressive than the time when Mrs. Collins showed up to work and revealed to everyone in their sex ed class that she had contracted chlamydia.

BETHANY BEACH, DE—As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. “Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard,” said Morby, noting how difficult it had been to convince the previous owner of the home to scream at the top of his lungs about property lines, not mowing the lawn, keeping an RV parked in the driveway, whether to remove a damaged tree, who should pay to repair the fence, and the incessant, inescapable sound of “those fucking wind chimes.” “It’s been a long time since there’s been anyone around here who exchanges routine threats of violence from across the fence or who answers when I bang on their door at 3 a.m. to complain about a barking dog. Maybe I’ll do the neighborly thing and just go right over there and give that son of a bitch a piece of my mind.” At press time, Morby was reportedly even more excited after discovering his new neighbor preferred physical altercations.

WASHINGTON—Responding to fallout from the Israeli military’s killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances.

“Let me be clear: Israel is bound by international law not to engage in any activities that undermine my ability to win a second term,” said Biden, emphasizing that if Israel did not reverse course and end civilian casualties soon, then progressive and Arab American voters were at extreme risk of sitting out November’s general election. “

Prime Minister Netanyahu and I have spoken on several occasions about the importance of keeping me in power, and he has assured me he will do everything he can to mitigate any domestic political fallout in the United States. Still, the damage this war has done to my polling cannot be ignored.” At press time, Biden quietly signed off on sending another 2,000 bombs to Israel to ensure he was reelected.

MIERES, SPAIN—Claiming they had received credible reports of the Michelin-starred chef’s connections to Hamas, Israel reportedly ordered a strike on World Central Kitchen founder José Andrés’ boyhood home Thursday. “Today, the Israeli military carried out a strike on the remote Spanish town of Mieres in order to eliminate the home where José Andrés was born and raised,” said U.N. military observer Manuel Ríos, adding that despite the home’s location in a region of Spain more than 2,000 miles from the zone of combat in Gaza, Israel had launched three long-range precision missiles that targeted the exact coordinates of Andrés’ childhood bedroom.

“While Israeli intelligence may have linked Chef Andrés to that location, the truth is that he had not lived at that address since he was 6 years old. And it did not stop there. Within just a few seconds of his childhood home being destroyed, several of Andrés’ restaurants, including minibar by José Andrés in Washington, D.C., and é by José Andrés in Las Vegas were also hit by Israeli missiles.” At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had addressed the attack, stating that Israel would launch an internal investigation into why Andrés had survived.