The Onion

In a completely unsurprising story out of Manhattan, NY, the words “money isn’t everything” were just spoken at brunch by someone who, conveniently, has lots of it.

WASHINGTON – Members of John Fetterman’s staff confirmed today that the Pennsylvania senator has successfully completed a total re-speccing of his entire character, including his personality, policies, and collection of ill-fitted gym shorts.

“It was just time to try something new,” one junior staffer said. “You play one way for a while then all of sudden you want something a little more aggressive, a little more range-y. Go heavy on the bombs.”

The changes have been abrupt, showing DC politics allows for almost complete ground up rebuilds mid-game.

“You pick a character thinking it’s one thing, but it might completely change,” one voter said. “It’s exciting but I think it breaks the game. What’s the point of choosing if they can just change it all later?”

Fetterman was defiant in his decision.

“I’m no longer a progressive,” Fetterman said. “I also don’t use a 2-handed mace anymore. Doing a whole different thing – watched a bunch of YouTube videos to get the strongest build. No Woke Mind Virus or infect spell casts at all really.”

As of press time Fetterman staff confirmed that although the senator would be wiping all of his progressive skilltree to rebuild, he was unable to change his Ogre race.

In local news, a man’s reaction to his six-year-old son’s excitement over catching a six-inch bluegill has raised eyebrows in the community. Despite the child’s genuine joy and enthusiasm at reeling in his first catch, the father expressed disappointment, considering it a “pathetic” accomplishment.

Sources close to the situation reported that the father muttered, “Big deal, anyone can catch a bluegill. They’re practically brain-dead and will bite anything you throw at them, even a bare hook. It’s not like he caught a trophy bass or anything worth bragging about.”

Read the rest of the satire news article on TattletaleTimes.com

It's an older article, sir, but it checks out.

In a quiet suburban neighborhood where minivans outnumber streetlights, a group of women have been ingeniously disguising their love of wine as a book club. While their intentions may be transparent to everyone else, these winos insist that their guise is a stroke of genius. “It’s a sophisticated literary club that explores classic as well contemporary novels, okay? We don’t have a wine problem. We can stop anytime we want!” said club president, Charlotte Chardonnay, as she poured herself another glass of Merlot. “We appreciate literature just as much as we appreciate a glass of wine filled to the brim. Why not combine the two?”

Read the rest of the article here at TattletaleTimes.com

Shedding light on the possible reasons for a dip in such news coverage, a report released Friday found that school shootings were either way down or too depressing for the media to cover. “Really, there are two possibilities here: It could be that there’s been some remarkable progress on getting guns out of the hands of potential school shooters, or it might be that journalists and editors all collectively decided the problem was too painful and intractable and turned away entirely,” read the report,