The Onion

Parents worldwide have proposed a new group of events that showcase the everyday heroics required to raise children. These proposed events promise to be as grueling as the triathlon.

1. The Family Dog Walk The Family Dog Walk combines canine management with child safety in a chaotic, high-stakes event. Participants must walk two untrained dogs on leashes while pushing a stroller and ensuring a toddler doesn't dart into oncoming traffic. This event requires world-class coordination, iron-clad patience, and the reflexes of a professional athlete. Extra points for picking up dog poop without the stroller rolling away.

2. The Toddler PJ Wrestling Match Inspired by the ancient art of Greco-Roman wrestling, the Toddler PJ Wrestling Match challenges parents to wrestle a wriggling toddler into a pair of zip-up pajamas that are at least one size too small. Competitors must contend with the notorious "alligator roll," where the toddler thrashes and flails with the agility of a gazelle. Points are awarded for speed, technique, and completing the match without the parent or toddler crying.

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EDIT: Changed article picture to stock photo due to feedback

“Like many hockey players, I’ve always dreamed of winning a Stanley Cup in a building named after my dad’s bank,” said Calgary Flames defenceman MacKenzie Weegar. “And now that dream can become a prudent marketing reality.”

Fans are also excited to see their tax dollars go towards a stadium named after an impersonal corporate behemoth.

From 2020

WASHINGTON—Warning that interior defenses were spread too thin, experts confirmed this week that Team USA’s arrival in France for the Olympics had left America’s own basketball rims largely unguarded. “In a strategic blunder of historic proportions, the U.S. men’s national basketball team landing in Paris has left an uncontested path to the basket,” said national security expert Emmett Stein, explaining that Americans lacked the necessary shot blockers and bigs to protect the paint on courts at home. “At the current moment, our nation is woefully vulnerable to foreign threats against basketball rims on its own shores. A foreign player with a basketball at the top of the key could drive for an easy layup with little resistance.” At press time, America was devastated after foreign basketball adversaries attacked a domestic rim with a tomahawk dunk.