Dads

As someone who was once a teenage girl, I can say that she's probably just trying to find her own sense of independence and feels self-conscious and awkward talking about what she's going through. Especially when it comes to relationships/sex/"girl stuff", it can be a lot easier to talk to a female role model simply because they can relate specifically to the unique experience of a girl. I wouldn't take it personally (though I'm sure that's hard).

That whole note thing must've hurt though. I'm sorry. It may have less to do with you specifically, and more to do with how our society views moms vs dads.

Your daughter definitely needs you, whether she acts that way or not... especially considering the fact that it sounds like her mental health is a lot better directly because of you and your experience. I'm sure you know that's often a lifelong struggle.

Pretty soon she'll be dealing with the responsibilities and shittiness of the "real world" and will need guidance from you. But at 15, she's really in the thick of puberty, and it's probably really fucking rough at times, so it makes sense that she's being distant.

I'm not a parent, so take this advice with a grain of salt. I'd suggest asking more "casual" questions instead of trying to approach her with a specific topic or agenda in mind... that lets her know that you want to know what's going on with her, but that you aren't necessarily going out of your way to impart wisdom or teach her some kind of lesson. She probably wants to feel more like an adult and would rather ask for advice than receive it unprompted. I remember being annoyed with adults for telling me things that I felt I already knew... if that makes sense. Sometimes it can feel a little infantilizing.

You probably already know this, but you should refrain all judgement when speaking with her. Never minimize her struggles or trivialize her hobbies or interests. That's incredibly important if you want her to want to talk to you. :)

Anyway, it sounds like you're a great dad. If not now, one day she'll probably be really appreciative of everything you've done for her.

Sorry to hear my man.

It sounds painful, and the letter clearly rubbed in some feelings or doubt that you were already having.

Truth is, it is likely just a phase. But it could last a short or long time, everyone’s different, and humans are just the biggest freaking weirdos at that age.

Two big things, 1) accept her as she is. Accept she currently doesn’t desire conversation from you. Doesn’t mean you don’t stop trying, but try your best to not make it about you, though it may be hard not to.

2. Teenagers are darn good at digging in their heels when the feel dragged or forced into anything, and they could include something as silly and benign as being “forced” having a simple combo with Dad.

So just continue providing your love and support, try your best NOT to make hints towards your contributions to the family, as she’ll likely see right through it. Be reliable, kind and consistent. Basically, continue being a dad. Continue to show interest in her and ask questions about her day, etc. but if she’s not feeling it, don’t let it become forced.

If this lasts many months, you could consider either having a direct conversation with her, somewhere she feels comfortable, and somewhere she could Leave if she wants to (I.e don’t go for a drive where she doesn’t have an option to leave. Could feel claustrophobic or trapped.) and just direct - “hey, I feel like we don’t connect as much as we used to, and don’t spend much or any quality time together. I was curious on your thoughts about that.” And be as non-confrontational as possible, and hopefully gain some insight that way.

You could also enlist your wife to bring it up nonchalantly since if seems from your comment they talk a lot more than you do with your daughter.

In short, if you’re doing all you’re saying you are, she’ll likely come around at some point. Teenagers are weird. Keep on keeping on, and good luck.

My partner always talks about how her dad kind of just faded into the background when her and her sister were teenagers. Unfortunately he died very young and she expresses a lot of regret that she didn't reach out to her dad more before he died, but also some resentment that he didn't put in more of an effort to connect with her.

I'm not saying this to guilt trip you or put the blame on you, but just hopefully to encourage you that even though your daughter is a sassy teenager, that doesn't mean that she doesn't still need and want her dad to be part of her life. Maybe you just need to adjust your approach. Try to find an activity that you both like doing together, or take a bit of time to ask her about her day every day, even the mundane things. Learning about her life should make her open up to you and get more comfortable talking about things when you know the vocabulary of her life (like the names of her friends, in-jokes among her friends, that sort of thing).

I would relax. This is late teenage years. She's becoming independant so she can set up her own life. Once she's left the house and gotten established, you will probably reconnect and have a deeper more adult relationship. Just keep telling her you love her and you're there for her and keep asking her about her life and what's happening.

She’s becoming an adult.

Try to sit her down and talk to her about how you’re feeling and ask her if there’s anything you can do to help, or if you two can just go bowling once a week. Don’t make the conversation heavy, just bowl. Have fun.

The conversations will eventually follow.