No Stupid Questions

However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body.

I'm not trans, but I believe that's the key. You said "turn out trans," but I believe most trans folks never really felt like they were in the right body, ever, though they might not have realized what it was that was wrong earlier. It's not like people wake up one day and think, "oh shit, I'm trans!"

Dancing and an eating disorder don’t make you bi. Same-gender attraction does.

It sounds like you’re worried enjoying activities and having personality traits typically associated with women means you may be trans, which could negatively affect your family life if you transitioned. I mean this in the nicest way possible: my therapist would probably call this catastrophizing. It’s coming from a kind place (you don’t want to potentially upset your family), but it’s several hypotheticals stacked on top of each other. Don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma would say.

Nobody is going to be able to give you a test to tell you with 100% confidence you aren’t trans, but if you’ve always felt comfortable with being a man and your anatomy, there is no reason to believe you will suddenly want to be a woman. Feminine men are no less men than masculine men. Some feminine men are even trans men! Being a man (gender identity) isn’t the same thing as acting masculine (gender expression).

So, all that said, what made me realize I’m trans is finding out trans men exist. Seriously, that was all it took. Before that I only knew trans women existed and thought I wasn’t “allowed” to be trans. Within maybe a month of thinking on it and reading accounts from other trans men, I knew I was trans.

If I wrote out a list of things I am interested in regarding my appearance that are gendered by society, I would think I was "a girl." However, in practice, it was incredibly bad for me and being forced as such was a constant drain on me.

None of these stories are proof, but slowly realizing the sheer number of them from my past did indicate exploring was worthwhile:

• I could not see myself growing into an old woman. I used to think that was only because I did not think I would live long enough to be as such.
  But the fact is, when first asked about it, the thought of growing into an old man actually sounded a bit nice.
• I told every boyfriend I have ever had that I "might be trans" and asked them if they'd still stay with me as a man. It was very serious and very nonserious all at the same time.
• I clung to masculine presentation, even if it often still felt wrong, because "masculine woman" felt closer to the "femme genderfluid man" I somewhat unconsciously wanted to be than "feminine woman."
• When I first played a man in a TTRPG game, it was incredibly fun in a way that is hard to describe. Something like, just... comfortable, for the first time.
• In preschool I demanded that the teachers use a male name and refer to me in character with male pronouns. This was not a one-off occurrence. I was very upset when they did not comply.
• When I was older, when people mistook me for a man I would feel relief. When they "corrected" themselves I would go back to being miserable.
• People using "ma'am" on me would make me extremely uncomfortable. Hearing the word "she" used for me made me oddly angry.
• I hated people looking at me and perceiving me, and, worst of all, desiring me.

All of these were difficult to see at the time. Difficult to see all at the same time. It is hard to tell if you are miserable when you are constantly miserable. It takes perspective to put it all together. It takes self-examination, experimentation, experience. You are stuck in your own head, after all.

I did not feel like I was in the wrong body. I felt like I was trapped in expectations of what I could do to my body.

I won't regret any of it even if I suddenly decide to "transition back." My life is a journey and I will do whatever feels right for me. My body is my own. It's done me so much good to be able to explore who I am.

My suggestion to those questioning is generally to "try out" your gender of choice somewhere completely inconsequential. Video games, a temporary account, etc. Quietly following trans spaces for a while can give some perspective as well.

I don't care if I "know for certain" that I'm trans. I think trying to answer that question as some kind of solid certainty can often run counter to the entirety of being trans.

I'm happier in a testosterone-based system, I am comfortable in a way that I never was, and life feels like I have a future now. I made changes that made my life better, and only changes that made my life better.

Trans just happens to be an accurate label. Labels are tools, shortcuts in communication. Not prisons.

Cisgender woman here, I just wanted to add that if my husband were to come out as trans, that would not be a tragedy or something I wished he'd gotten figured out sooner for my sake. In this hypothetical scenario, if it somehow managed to make us incompatible as married partners we'd deal with it but people have gotten divorced for much worse reasons before. The worst part for me would be worrying if he'd been miserable during our marriage, because I love him and would hate for that to be his experience of our time together.

It's really hard to imagine because AFAIK we're both cis but personally I'd probably prefer to stay married to my spouse even if he changed his gender identity. I mean he's still the same person I married and we still love the same things and have a wonderful life and child together. I dunno, maybe it wouldn't work out in the end but I sure as hell wouldn't be mad at him for something he couldn't change.

Anyways, my point is you don't have to assume that your relationships with cis people will all get blown up if you do happen to be trans. I appreciate the urge to have your ducks all in a row before embarking on significant life events but the truth is that marriage and adulthood is super messy anyways. If you marry someone and have a kid with them the odds are good you will have all sorts of chaotic events to deal with- physical illnesses, mental illnesses, kid stress or illness, weight gain or loss, money trouble, job changes, changes in personality with age, the list goes on and on. The trick to being happily married is rolling with the changes, working hard at your partnership, and being committed to your partner, not having it all perfectly lined up at the start.

I'm in my 40's and trans, and ever since I was a child I knew I didn't fit my assigned gender and it just felt… wrong. Took me a long time to understand this was me being trans and not me being "broken" somehow, thanks to a conservative upbringing, but basically I've known all my life.

I'm a somewhat gender nonconforming man. I have long hair. I enjoy wearing colorful, frilly clothes. I crossplay in videogames. I love reading shoujo mangas. There's a bunch of very "unmanly" hobbies I have. And I've had this question for a while: what if I'm actually Trans, and just masking it with stuff I deem acceptable for a man?

Then, after about one year of living together, my flatmate came out to me as Trans. She realized/admitted it to herself a bit before moving in (we knew each other before, but we weren't really close), and started experimentally wearing women's clothes and doing makeup (and probably some other stuff) whenever I was away for the past half year. I was one of the first people she came out to.

Over the next few years I saw her transition a lot. I was there, when she came out to a couple of common friends, gave her the courage to come out to her family (which caused some issues in the beginning, but ultimately turned out good), experienced her fashion change from awkwardly hyper feminine (pink skirts, fishnets, an oversized bra stuffed with definitely too much TP) to something that suits her much more and feels natural to her body type (still skirts and stockings and bras, just less awkward). She even started HRT recently.

And throughout all this, I realized one thing: I fundamentally don't empathyze with that aspect of her in any way, shape or form. Like, I understand rationally what she's going through. I see her get visibly happier every step of the way. If I was Trans, and just couldn't admit it to myself as I said in the beginning, I'd expect to feel something when looking at her changes. Maybe some jealousy or envy. Or at least some type of "I want that for me too" type of thing. But I don't. Whenever my flatmate did a change, my only thoughts were : "great for you" and "I wouldn't bother doing that for myself".

Living with a trans woman made me fully realize that I am male. I'm very much ok with people putting me in the same group as people like Leonardo Di Caprio, Ghandi, Trump, the five year old boy next door, and the rest of more or less 50% of humans that have ever lived (I know that's normative of the gender binary, but I couldn't think of a way to phrase this without making it overly complicated). Yet I am fundamentally different from every one of those. So to me, it feels like I shouldn't really place any value on being part of that group. I just know that I am, and that's it.

As for you: talk to trans people. See if you can relate to them. Watch videos by trans creators. Experiment with stuff you consider to be feminine, and see if it makes you happy. Or if it makes you feel uncomfortable, try to figure out why. And if you find stuff you like, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are trans, though I believe that at some point that is strongly implied.

I have know idea what it actually means to be a man or a woman, or trans, or non-binary, or agender. I've just had an opportunity to figure out which of these groups I fit in. And I've realised that in the end, even though I know something about myself now, it doesn't really matter.

It sounds like you actively enjoy your current gender identity. Most people who go on to change theirs don't actively enjoy what it used to be, at best they generally just don't feel connected to it. This was the case for me; I never felt manly, or enjoyed anything about being male. It didn't bother me, but I never really connected to it.

Ultimately, the only thing required for you to be trans is that you decide you want to be; there isn't some magic checklist of signs or requirements that if you meet, you're trans. If you think you might be happier in life with a fem gender identity, it's up to you whether or not to act on it.

dancing doesn't make you a woman. feeling like a woman does. do you feel like you're a woman? if not, you're not a woman.

The other posts all have some pretty good advice about how to tell if you're trans so I wanted to add:

When you see a slogan like "trans rights are human rights", I want you to know that trans rights are your rights too. You should have the right to do ballet if you want and not feel like you're doing something weird or outside the norm, and I think it's rational self-interest to support visible trans people for that reason! If transphobia went away then you wouldn't need to feel weird about doing something gender nonconforming.

Gender and sexual identity are way more fluid than people want to give credit for.

So looking for a "final answer" at any point in your life might be biting off more than you can chew.

I'm a cis-man, but I'm personally with the Gender Anarchy folks. We're stuck in weird gender roles that literally don't matter anymore and maybe androgyny or things like it truly are the way forward.

You don'r become trans, you eventually realize that you are trans :)

About being sure: It took me a lot of self-reflection and I only found out Inwas trans when I was 31ish.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't turn anything, I just found a way to say what I had already been feeling the whole time. I never felt like a "man" or a "boy" and just smiled and nodded when other people described me in those categories. I didn't have the words, didn't have a way to let other people know how I felt about myself until now, and still struggle with some people who still don't understand.

I'm not a woman because I like nail polish, dresses, or unicorns, and I'm not not a woman because I like video games, dragons, and nerd shit. I'm a woman because that's who I am, and once I realized that was "allowed" it was the only true way to say it. I'm not a feminine man and I never was, and while I don't think I'm a particularly masculine woman, I didn't think "looking girly stuff" or "liking manly stuff" is ever going to define who you are. If you honestly don't know who you are, I can see it helping you figure it out, but if you are comfortable being who you are, you don't need to change it.

The real sign of being trans is if you go to egg_irl and start relating to almost everything lol /s kinda (sorry I haven't got a clue how to link communities)

Tbh there's no magic bullet to be sure, but if you fantasize about being a different gender that's a pretty big one, cis people don't do that.

I'll add an edit: The only thing that confirmed it to me, was how excited I felt after I took hormones for the first time. Beginning them was terrifying, "what if I damage my body and I actually didn't want this?" kinda stuff, but then I realised I wouldn't have been waiting 6 months and been to all these appointments if I wasn't, took the damn pill and felt amazing. It's been ~9 months now and it's made me insanely happy, that's the only concrete proof I can offer to myself that I am in fact trans.

It's not really a feeling of being in the wrong body, at least for most people. It's about what makes you feel comfortable and what gives you confidence.

For me, what makes me feel comfortable and confident is training my voice, wearing more feminine clothes, painting my nails, doing my hair... Being pretty is what I want for me, and what "made me make the switch" was accepting that repressing that part of me isn't good and won't make me happy.

I think there are few overlapping things here that are probably worth pulling apart. Keep in mind that all of these are spectrums, some people might experience these acutely, others mildly, others not at all.

• Gender non-comformance: having a preference for activities that are typically ascribed to or preferring to appear as the gender opposite to the one you present as - men who like wearing dresses and sewing, women who prefer having short cropped hair and playing rugby
• Transgender - a feeling that your sex (your biology) does not match up with your gender (do you consider yourself to be a man or a woman?). Gender is a really complex thing and is pretty strongly informed by society - what were you taught "man" and "woman" means beyond just sex. For some people this disconnect can be dysphoric, and it quite often overlaps with gender non-comformance
• Transition - changing your gender presentation to be different from your sex. This can be small things - changing your hair style - to large changes such as getting legal recognition for a new name and gender identity or seeking medical interventions.

I guess my point is that there are plenty of people who engage in small non-conformances or who feel like their experience of being man doesn't 100% line up with how society perceives men, and that's valid, and is a trans experience, but doesn't mean that they do or should feel like "trans" is a label or identity that applies to them. In the same way that you can understand that you are a little bit bi, without that being a significant part of your identity

For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.

these things do make not a person LGBTQ+

However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity

this seems to be pretty much the qualifying criterion, and, to this, I'd ay no, you're (very probably) not trans.

But it makes me “worried” if I do end up tran

people are born LGBTQ+ and typically know it all their lives. From you descriptions, it seems like you might just be Bi. Enjoying "non-masculine" activities doesn't really mean anything in and of itself. Being LGBTQ+ isn't something one "ends up as"-- it's something we always have been.

when I already have a wife and children

and so what? sure, there may be some adjustments for them to make, but, unless they're transphobes, it shouldn't be a problem.

You're asking people to describe a qualic phenomenon. This thing, the feeling of being trans, isn't really something someone can describe to someone who hasn't experienced it.

Ultimately, what you're describing to me is less trans, and more along the lines of how I am. I'm a cisgender male, but I'm also very feminine in certain areas. I paint my nails, I enjoy dancing, too, and I play female characters in games where I can make the character. I enjoy teaching, and nurturing. I have no desire to change my gender, or to conform any more strictly to one set of gender norms or the other.

So often, you'll hear trans people say they always knew. I think that's both the case, and a bit off. My guess is that they've always had a feeling SOMETHING was amiss, but weren't really able to nail down the exact feeling until, well... They started considering transitioning.

There is no realizing that you'll turn out trans, because by realizing that you are realizing that you are trans.

I think the term you might identify with more is "gender nonconforming" meaning you enjoy things that are not traditionally associated with your gender, but you're happy with your gender and body the way they are. If you felt dysphoric/uncomfortable with your body that would be more trans. Hope that helps, whatever you choose to label it doesn't matter too much just be what makes you most comfortable!

I changed my gender at around 25 because I had significant issues with my voice, my body, and my genitals that caused me significant distress and interfered with my life, but they were present and ever increasing pretty much since I hit puberty. I knew something was wrong from an earlyish age, and dealt with it pretty much just when my husband was okay with it. I'd always envied women for their natural sex characteristics, and if I didn't get a negative reaction when I came out as a teenager I would have transitioned much earlier.

I think if you're happy in your body's secondary sex characteristics, you probably don't have to worry about being trans. From what you've said here, it sounds to me like you probably aren't.

You can't BECOME trans, you only find out that you are trans, and come out as such as a result.

If you would be totally happy and excited by the possibility of not having a penis and instead having a vagina then you're probably trans. If, however, that idea horrifies you. Congratulations! You're probably not trans. It's basically that simple but with a few more steps.

Sincerely a Bisexual cisgender furry with many gay pan and trans friends

Vast question. Finding out who you are is a lifelong process.

My thought: "male" and "female" are, in fact, abstract ideas, simple labels that each imperfectly, awkwardly covers entire, partially overlapping universes of complexity. And in practical reality, no one is all the way in either universe to the entire exclusion of the other.

So perhaps you are fine in a masculine body enjoying feminine-coded traits and activities. Perhaps the body shape that you would like to see in the mirror fluctuates with time or with your mood. Perhaps you are fine with your genitals but would like to have breasts, or perhaps you are fine with your chest but are thrilled by the idea of a vulva between your legs. Perhaps you would love the way you look and feel in a skirt and high socks. Perhaps you just thrive socializing and belonging in groups of women. Perhaps -- likely -- none of the above, but something else, something lovely I can't even begin to imagine. Only you can find out.

Ultimately all labels are, to some extent, bullshit. Each human is a rich multitude that defies naming and containment. I hope you love whatever it is you end up finding out are.

I could be wrong but I believe they’ve always known to some degree. They just didn’t understand it early in life.

IANA trans person.

From what I've heard, a big factor is body dysmorphia. Do you look at your chest and think it'd feel more right with boobs on it? Does the idea of facial hair seem like it could never be "you"?

You don't have to be all man all the time. You can like feminine things. That doesn't mean you're actually a woman. There's plenty of shades of grey.

If you have a partner it's the less likely outcome that they'll reject your new gender identity. Gender is a spectrum and we're all a lot more interesting than just what our gender is anyways. Someone who was attracted to you was attracted to a lot more than just your gender expression so, on the whole, rather little about you is changing when you come out as trans.

I am not trans so I can't talk to that realization but I am non-conforming and coming into that identity was mostly a relief. I had to cloak a lot and found myself pretty distinct from a lot of the stereotypes about men - I was married at the time and my partner didn't bat an eye.

If it matters to you then you'll know. If it doesn't matter to you, then find another interesting facet of life to fixate on.

If you feel like a man, like being a man, and enjoy having man parts, you're probably a man. Your interests are not your gender, and dancing isn't exclusive to women. Even ballet has male dancers.

Still, a little bit of exploration never hurt anybody. If you are trans, if living as another gender would make you much happier, wouldn't you want to know sooner rather than later? And if you aren't trans, you might still learn a thing or two about yourself that you never would have discovered otherwise. Most people go their whole lives without ever questioning their gender or closely examining what it means to them, and I think they're missing out. There is power in truly knowing yourself.

Do some thinking. Ask more questions. Not just to others, but to yourself as well. What do you like about being a man? Can you imagine not being one? How does that image make you feel? If you could instantly become anything, with no rules or consequences, what would you pick? Don't shut anything down; there are no wrong answers. Allow yourself the freedom to explore.

It may help you to stop thinking in the binary terms that society imposes on us. Gender isn't just a question of Male or Female; there are many different kinds of men and many different kinds of women. There is a large area in between where the two overlap and the lines get fuzzy, and even places that aren't on the same spectrum at all. I myself am a demigirl. My gender identity is mostly female, but also a little bit male and a little bit something else. You don't need to feel obligated to be what anyone else is.

As for how I found out, I've already posted that elsewhere in this thread. It looks like you've gotten a lot of answers from others as well. I wish you good luck in wherever this journey takes you.