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We're currently looking to start a family, so I thought I'd hit up YT for some advice as a male and the priority skew is mental. The most important thing is having a boy, apparently. Not tips for being supportive, how to help your partner, how to deal with anxieties about money and time.
Bonus feed
Dad's of Lemmy could you share some good advice for someone just starting a family please :D
Step one is just being there, and not putting everything on mom. Change those diapers. Sing the lullabies. Give the baths. Play peekaboo. Be dad.
Step two is to not be concerned if you don’t feel an immediate connection to the baby. Sometimes that takes time. In the beginning, they are just a potato that cries, poops, and keeps you up at night.
Step three is to be kind to yourself and your partner. Raising a kid can be mentally and physically draining at times. Give your partner some alone time, and take some alone time for yourself if at all possible.
Step four is to keep coming to us for help or even just to vent.
It may take some trial and error to see what works, because every kid is different. What worked for my first kid didn’t really work for my second. But you’ll get there!
Step three is to be kind to yourself and your partner. Raising a kid can be mentally and physically draining at times. Give your partner some alone time, and take some alone time for yourself if at all possible.
Step 1 is fantastic, but step 3 is going to be mission critical. There will be times where you will feel like you can't take one second more of screaming, or later one more "what do ducks do?". Give yourselves time to disengage from the children. They really don't require much hard work, but they do require nearly constant attention when they are young.
We're all making this up as we go buddy. You'll have good days and bad days. Don't beat yourself up too much about the bad ones. Love your children, and don't be afraid to tell them when you make mistakes.
Step one is just being there, and not putting everything on mom. Change those diapers. Sing the lullabies. Give the baths. Play peekaboo. Be dad.
I've always loved how Ryan Reynolds put it;
“Just do the dirty work, man. You gotta do the diapers, you gotta do the middle of the night thing. I mean, your wife — a human being will exit your wife, so she’s done enough. Just change the diapers and do all that stuff.”
Yep I think most important is 4
And I'll add 5: everything takes more time than before, so bring in lots of patience. No long quick shower quick breakfast and go to your weekend commitments. Now you'll wait for the wife and the kid. And you're better be busy doing something for the kids because there's lots to do and it should be split with the mom right.
Babies cry, and it can be a lot. Maybe even frustrating. If you are feeling frustrated, just take a step back if your kid is in a safe spot. The kid won't break from crying. Just step back. Or ask your SO to step in if available. And ask to help if it's the other way around. You're not a bad dad for doing that. If anything you're a good one, because heated emotions can only damage.
Everything is a phase. Is the baby crying a lot? It will pass. Does the baby only want mommy? It will pass. All bad things will pass.
Enjoy cuddle times. Once they are bigger, they won't sleep on your chest anymore.
Once they are bigger, they won’t sleep on your chest anymore.
I woke up from a nap the other day with my 11 year old laying perpendicular across my chest dead asleep. She's a nut though.
Everything is a phase
This is probably the most important thing. There are phases when your child will refuse to sleep, scream all the time, etc. And in the moment, you start wondering if this is it--are the next 17 years going to be non-stop screaming? And it seems like they will. Then a week later, things change.
Repeat after me: this too shall pass.
Another thing I like to put out there is that you and your partner are about to experience sleep deprivation like you (likely) never have. I read a report that 25% of new parents experience hallucinations due to sleep deprivation (which was very true for me). So get sleep when you can, and try to not have terribly high expectations for yourself--some days, getting through is the best you can do, and that's okay.
Totally agree. But I'd like to nitpick some phases last longer than others. My son started laughing at farts a few years back, and we probably still have 10 years ahead. What am I to do? Join in.
The kids will try and come to your bed for snuggles because they had a bad dream.
Enjoy it, because it's a phase and give it 8 years and they will never do it again. It's funny because it seems annoying at first, but knowing it will never happen again makes it a little sad.
Being a dad is like being the new guy at work for a long time. You will have imposter syndrome and feel like the work will never get done fast enough. You will find new limits of stamina you didnt know you had. You'll grow quickly as a person, especially if youre receptive to that growth.
Trust your partner when she tells you shes hurt or struggling. Pregnancy is a really tough experience; their feet are gonna grow, they develop unexplained food aversions or cravings, back pain and other physical discomfort. Be supportive and helpful as much as you can.
Get a sound machine ASAP annd bring it with you to the hospital when you deliver. You will thank me later.
I have a 14 year old.
The imposter syndrome presumably stops when I die .. right?
As another prospective dad, why the sound machine? Specifically, why bring it to the hospital?
cause you're gonna be bothered every 2 hours by nurses, even overnight. Getting as much sleep as possible in between is essential for keeping your sanity, plus it'll help your newborn get some rest too.
Ahhh, that makes sense. Thanks!
Stay away from YouTube. There is some stuff you'll need a howto for (swaddling a baby, correctly installing a car seat, cleaning bottles), but YouTube won't help with the important things.
Like others say: be there for your partner. Don't expect an immediate connection with the kid (it took 6+ months for me). Be proactive about helping out.
The most supportive thing I can tell you is that it won’t be easy. But nothing worth doing in life is really easy. Your whole life with your parents you probably just wanted control over your own life. Now you have control and it’s great. Once the dominoes are set up for your family, you no longer have control. You have influence, but not control. Go with it. Go with the flow. Nobody can fully prepare you, not even your own parents. Every pregnancy is unique, every relationship is unique, every child is unique. People giving advice about getting kids to sleep - they had sleepy kids and their advice probably won’t help. People giving advice about getting kids to stop crying, they probably had easier kids. Most people don’t write about unresolved struggles of parenthood.
Most people don’t tell you that newborn babies (0-3m) are the worst. It’s the 4th trimester and they should really just still be in a kangaroo pouch. Newborns don’t sleep at night. They exist on a 2-3 hour cycle of eating, sleeping, and excreting around the clock. When newborn babies are awake in the middle of the night, for the 3rd or 4th time, they’re not going to sleep, until the little 3 hour cycle is done. They don’t smile at you, or laugh. It’s really hard to support your zombie sleep-deprived partner. She won’t have any energy for your relationship. No sleep makes for short tempers - close to madness.
After that, it gets better steadily. Smiles, sitting, eating, crawling, laughing, climbing, walking, talking, hugging, loving, and lots of laughing.
Anyway, you will help your partner if you are a source of stable calm emotions. You’ll help if you learn when to step up, and when to step aside. Once you’re a parent you don’t have as much time for anxiety. You are just doing it, moment by moment, and you learn to go with the flow. Being a parent can only be learned on the job. By the time your kid is old enough to form lasting memories, you’ll already be a different person than you were before they were born, than you are now. You don’t need to worry about time, because you won’t have any. Well, you’ll have plenty of time I mean, but you’ll spend it on what’s most important to you - your kid.
Anyway, don’t sweat it. No matter how you prepare, you will be unprepared. Just do your best, and be your best version of yourself.
If you're still trying to conceive, have patience and don't put too much pressure on yourselves. It helped me to go through the mental exercise of thinking that even if we couldnt conceive for many years, I would still be happy and fulfilled by adopting and spending life with my partner that way.
It didn't take us years, but it also didn't take us one try. My doctor saw a low sperm count and that prompted some lifestyle changes. I biked to work every day, and stopped that, I cut out caffeine and alcohol, and I bought some boxers with some support and breathability. Those changes made the biggest difference in sperm count, as I was back up above average in under two months. By all means take the supplements they might offer, but the biggest outcomes will be from your own lifestyle changes.
I think the algorithm is skewed when searching male vs dad. What happens to the search results when you search for "dad advice having a baby"?
100% was this I found the right search terms to get the content I was after.
As weird as it sounds: try to think like a single dad: as if mom is not the default main character. The reason for this is it is very easy for a dad to defer rights and responsibilities to mom. It is socially acceptable, even. Especially when you're a tired dad with work in the morning.
So doing simple shit like doctor's appointments and taking the kid to a park or grocery shopping without mom's management or involvement can be huge. Be a parent that is a dad. Like learn some developmental milestones that the mother might be tracking and/or worrying about that quite often aren't taught in schools or to boys.
More than just being physically there, being mentally checked in can be huge.
If you are fortunate to have it: take leave from work. I know it isn't an option for many and many employers scrutinize parental leave in general let alone for dads, but my advice is 'Fuck em.' (Maybe take some of that time to find a job that respects a father and family. I did and I do not regret it one bit.)
I think the first 6 months for both my kids I did all the Dr appointments. Even the Drs at first were surprised I was doing it but it was nice to do the grunt work and let the wife chill out.
The most important thing is having a human - as opposed to some sort of monster. Some cultures consider boys more important than girls (very common), while others consider girls more important than boys (much less common) - this is one of the few cases where I will firmly state that all such cultures are wrong. Enjoy what you get. As a parent of both I can tell you that they are different and they are both worth having.
Counter argument: when I read your search query, the first thing that came to my mind was “he’s having trouble to conceive” and I was thinking about what we did to have a baby. I have a low sperm count, so it took some time. And there are some theories about the differences in the X and Y espermatozoide. So, the videos may not be far from your search.
very true I noticed I did a bad search the 2nd one was more what I was looking for and just had that weird toxic vid as the 2nd result.
Father of two girls, wife knew I wanted a son I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. We play in the mud then have tea parties. They go hunting with me and paint my toenails. Love every minute of it.
Real advice: your wife/SO might be resistant to share the baby load. Hormones and the thing she grew in her belly popped out so she's kinda hard wired to do it all, at least mine was. Had to be gentle but firm that she isn't a machine and needed some alone time to sleep or self care, not just a mother.
As others have said be there to help, change diapers, feeding, etc. Be there for your wife and do what you can. Each baby is different. Also be prepared that either of you might not be entirely rational. a kid is a big change in just about all the ways. Lack of sleep, etc. Have some grace and it will all come out in the wash.
One other thing your baby is just that, a brand new human. They don't know they need (or how to) sleep or they need to eat so they'll cry cause they're hungry or tired and won't eat or sleep. It's ok to admit you're human and tap your partner in or just put the kid down in the crib and take a moment to calm down because it's frustrating.
Watch Bluey, be like Bandit. 😉
Be there, be useful, be kind. Sleep is huge. When ever you can, let your partner sleep and you take baby. Be able to change a nappy and change many. If the baby changing is part of the women's loo, kick up a fuss rather than say you can't do it then. Basically be able do everything except the breast feeding , which you clearly can't do. But you can get your partner all the drinks and snacks she needs to feed. House work is also something you can take over to help.
One of my pet hates is useless dads. They give us all a bad name.
Support your wife with however she wants to feed. Breast fed only? Ok do you want me at the lactation specialist. Combo? Get good with the bottle. Formula only? Formula has gotten REALLY close to as good as breast milk, no judging.
You can take some night shifts if the baby takes a bottle, even if your wife doesn't work and you do. Both of you should try to get 5 hours straight sleep per night, but you should know this will not work.
I'd like to chime in and say that there are some great pieces of advice here, thanks for being good, Lemmy!
My advice for conception is to just enjoy your partner. Don't make it work, go on dates, use foreplay, make it fun, and you'll build memories as well as a stronger bond. Always communicate with your partner, that makes everything better, even the uncomfortable things, just remember to be kind.
Can recommend the book 'Pregancy for men: The whole 9 months' by Mark Woods. Breaks up the pregnacy by each month, explains it all from the guy's perspective. Also touches on conceiving at the begining.
My moment of clarity was after watching some kids wellbeing videos by Dr Gabor Maté
It's ok if you don't feel love or attachment to your baby. I spent the better part of a year or two wondering if I was a sociopath. But as my boy started growing up and developing his personality, that love and attachment grew into something deeply emotional and unconditional.
Fight for your right to parent and spend time with your baby. Your wife might think it's her burden to bear, but insist on you having time to bond, which will also give your wife a break or chance to check in with herself that won't feel like she's putting you out.
Bandit (Bluey's Dad) is Dad Goals, but don't get down on yourself if you can't get there. As long as your child knows you love them and that you spend time with them when they want you, you're already the best Dad ever.
Ugh. Remember when you could search for a video on youtube and it was just a page full of results? I remember.
I had this same issue recently when I searched for something innocuous (ways to put up my long hair in a bun) and was served clickbait shock videos of anorexic women and other nonsense.
You are getting plenty of amazing advice on fathering from other dads here, but I wanted to pop in with a suggestion regarding youtube.
After that last interaction with youtube I ended up down the rabbit hole looking for a fix. I tried a few browser addons but none seemed to work properly, but then I heard about youtube front ends.
This one is "invidious"
And this one is "piped"
In both you connect to an "instance" like lemmy does, which can impact their performance. I haven't chosen my favourite yet, invidious seems to perform better sometimes, but I like the ui of piped.
Congratulations to you and your growing family. <3
Edit: Here is a bonus screengrab with your search terms, there is still a lot of "how to have a boy" stuff, but some videos with general advice, being supportive, and fertility in general.
Enjoy it, even the hard parts. They go by fast and you will say one , looking back at a picture of your child as a baby when they are in High School, "I miss that baby."
Bathtime is a great time as well - lots of laughs, fun, and (I'm guessing) with a daughter something that will go away sooner rather than later (i.e., your not going to get your hair done like your wife would). But, I have two sons so who knows - balls, farts, and the like have continued well into teens to the chagrin of my wife. :)
Fuckin old ass cultures need to figure it out.